We know compliments are important. They can make a person’s day, but we should be more conscious of the ones we give. Too often we praise students saying, “good job,” but our words fail to make much of an impact without specifics.
If you tell me I did a good job, I’ll be glad to hear it, but I probably won’t think about it again. However, if you said, “that story you told to make your point really resonated with me,” I will remember. The difference between the two? The second compliment offered something specific. It showed you weren’t making an offhand, polite statement. You noticed what I did and how I did it.
Making your compliments specific takes time and requires that we “see” the person. We go beyond the surface and recognize what the other person has done. Telling a student that the design of their presentation had a professional look then going on to ask how they learned to do it will make an impression and a memory.
Encouragement is also best when specific. When we say, “You did much better with this assignment,” the student will appreciate it. But pointing to the examples of the improvement and noticing what they learned will mean much more.
Even better than giving someone a verbal compliment or an encouraging word is to write it. I have been known to copy/paste and print comments my students have written to me at the end of a course so that I can refer to them, especially during those times of Imposter Syndrome. It means a lot to know I reached them and made a difference.
In The Value of Mailing Encouraging Notes to Students, John Tiersma takes the concept a step further by making a commitment to send a handwritten note to each of his students every year. The results have been long lasting. Tiersma tells the story of a former student who displayed his note, written seven years earlier, on her dorm room wall. His reasoning on why this works is:a
Feeling Important Is Important – Our inner voice is a harsh critic. Sometimes it’s all we hear. The school dynamic may compound that sense of not being smart or worthy. A note is a physical representation that you are seen as being of value. Having positive skills and characteristics recognized is a motivator to build on them and become engaged in learning. Tiersma stresses the importance of making your words “specific, genuine, and true.”
Another Way to Connect – For those of you who cannot do handwritten notes, Tiersma suggests “authentic compliments”, which I discussed earlier, and he encourages having “non-school conversations.” It’s how you get to know the person, not just the student.
These conversations are also an effective relationship building approach with teachers. They are not their job. We only see a portion of our colleagues and students if all we see are their job-related personas. As you connect with praise or encouragement, you may be surprised to learn what you have been missing.
With everything already on our to-do lists, starting small is probably the best approach. Pick a student who has been looking bedraggled or one who has been showing improvement, then send them a handwritten note. Or, set a goal to have at least one to two “authentic conversations” each week. Tiersma suggests focusing on someone you don’t know well. Learn their interests and hobbies. I built a relationship with one teacher when I learned she liked fly fishing. I don’t share that interest, but I was able to get articles to her she might otherwise have overlooked.
As we deal with students who have been traumatized because of the pandemic or for other reasons, consider how offering praise and encouragement this way will help you to expand and develop your relationship building skills and make a difference in your work. And remember, this doesn’t only have to be with students. Teachers need this as well. The old expression “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care,” reminds us how important it is to connect with the people. True connection, like clear praise, makes a difference. It can even change a life.