ON LIBRARIES: Should Have – Could Have

Do you give yourself credit for all you are accomplishing?  Our days are jam-packed.  Many of you stay late to complete tasks that can’t fit within the regular school day.  By the time you get home, there are more things that need to be done.  You are tired, cranky more often than you like, and are feeling worn out.  And as it is now November, you’re facing getting ready for the holidays.

We are experts at finding fault with ourselves, but it doesn’t help us do better. More often it becomes a type of self-sabotage because these thoughts make us believe we are failures. Too often we speak to ourselves in ways we’d never speak to another, focusing on our weaknesses and believing everyone else does or achieves more. Of course, this isn’t true. We know we have had successes, but when all we can hear is the negative self-talk, none of that matters.

So I ask you again – Do you give yourself credit for all you are accomplishing?  Probably not. You are

most likely mentally beating yourself up with “Should Have” and “Could Have.”  You should have gotten more done. You could have if only you were more organized.  If only… you fill in the blank. I’m sure you have a list. What would support us better is go through the important process of deciding what priority, what isn’t, and do what we can to stop listening to the rest of the noise that’s distracting us.

Kristin Hendrix reminds us of the power of self-talk in her article Words Matter, Choose Carefully. We tend to be aware of that with others, but don’t treat ourselves with the same consideration.  As goal-driven people, we have a lot of “need to’s” in addition to the “should have’s” and “could have’s.”  It’s important to take a realistic look at what you have been saying to yourself and consider whether it’s really true.

Very often, negative self-talk is a story we tell ourselves, and it keeps us from focusing on what is important and remembering where our strengths lie.  Hendrix suggests you begin by looking more closely at the “need to’s” that have been swirling around in your brain and ask yourself – Is this true?  Do you really need to do it, or is it something you would like to do?  Is it a priority? What level of importance does it have – honestly?

If it isn’t a high priority, you might not need to do it.  If it is, then take the time to look at why you haven’t made the commitment yet.  Is fear behind it? If you’re unsure if you can do it, maybe you need a mentor. Or if the project is too big, perhaps you can delegate part of it.  Be honest with yourself and get you’ll find it easier to either move forward or delete it for good.

How many times do you say, “I should…?”   Unless you figure out if this is true, you will continue saying it and make yourself feel unworthy because of it.  Should you exercise more? Take a course related to librarianship? Maybe the answer is yes, but the answer could be ‘not yet’. Whatever it is, do your best to be honest (and kind!) with yourself. Too many times things are on the list because we’ve bought into the belief that they should be (ironic, yes?) on the list. They aren’t our priorities yet we’ve taken them on. Taking the time to look at the truth then accepting what’s true for you can go a long way in stopping the negative self-talk.

Hendrix notes that we complicate this problem by saying we don’t have time.  We can’t because we’re too busy. As I have written in past blogs, this, too, is a story we tell ourselves.  It has an element of truth as we are exhausted by the time we fall into bed (or long before we fall into bed), but it’s far from the whole truth. When something is important and we know and can feel why it is important, we take the time to do it.

For years I said I should exercise.  I didn’t. When I made it a priority, I was able to fit it into my life and it’s off my “should have” list. I also make it a point to turn off my computer by 6 p.m. each day. Maybe I should continue.  If I did maybe I could have finished the task.  But turning the computer off is the priority because it gives me the time I need in the evening to be with my husband and do other things for myself.  And I don’t think about those “should have’s” or “could have” because I’m clear about my priority.

Do I manage to stick to my priorities every day?  No.  Some days I goof off.  Too many games of Klondike (my weakness as you know). But I have learned not to beat myself up for it.  Rather than fall into negative self-talk, I know there’s a chance I needed the day off, and I can get back to my priorities tomorrow.

The golden rule of treating others the way you wish to be treated may need to be revised.  We need to treat ourselves the way we treat others.  We are much more understanding of the shortcomings of others than we are about our own self-styled failures. Be good to yourself this week. Notice where the negative words are draining you. Take a breath, look for the truth, and let the rest go. Honor yourself and your priorities, leave the shoulds and coulds behind, and – one more time –  give yourself credit for all you are accomplishing.

ON LIBRARIES: Being a Leader Takes Practice

Professional musicians and athletes practice regularly to keep and raise their skills to the highest level. But all professions and crafts require practice.  This means being attentive to what you are doing and repeatedly assessing your performance. You probably do this as a librarian, but you may be not reflecting on how you are practicing – and improving – as a leader.  Making regular checks on your leadership practices will increase your skills and make you more successful.

The needs of your program keep you very busy but you cannot overlook how you are doing as a leader. As I have often written, you are either growing or dying.  There is no stasis.  And school librarians must be leaders – there is no other option.

Are you content to lead only in small ways? Anything is better than nothing, but you need to keep growing.  What plan do you have to do so? Do you go to your state (and hopefully national) conferences?  Have you taken webinars? It’s easy to complain about time, but that is a story you tell yourself.  Remember none of us have time.  We make time. When it’s a priority in your life, you find a way to do it. And leadership must be a priority.

As a quick check, think of how many times in the course of the day were you a leader? With teachers?  Administrators? If you can’t come up with instances, you need to do more to focus on your leadership practice. John R. Stoker’s post Are You Working on You? Questions for Improving the Quality of Your Leadership is a good way to take stock and expand on how you lead and how you are perceived. He puts forth ten questions that build on each other. If you’re struggling with the first few, you’ll be challenged with later questions as well.

  1. Are people motivated to follow you? – You can’t be a leader if no one is following you. When you propose a program—big or small—how is it greeted?  If you can’t enroll the necessary stakeholders to go along with it, you are doing everything alone.  Not only are you not leading, but you are also more likely to become overwhelmed.  If this sounds like you, think of how to reframe your ideas so it appeals to the needs of the people you want to join with you.
  2. Do people seek your perspective or insights? You should be known as someone who knows a lot about technology and how to incorporate it into teaching. People should recognize you as an expert in literature for your students.  If your advice isn’t being sought, why do you think that is?  Perhaps you give the impression you are too busy. Being approachable is an important part of being a leader.
  3. How open am I to different perspectives about tough issues? Now more than ever, we need to be models of civil discourse. Teachers and administrators may have different views on what you add to the collection. While you must be true to your philosophy and professional ethics, how you hear their feelings and react to them will affect their perception of you as a leader.
  4. What situations or feedback cause me to get defensive? When we get defensive, the other person tends to react badly as well, and we are certainly not behaving like a leader. Listen for the message rather than focusing on the delivery method. Respond calmly, once again showing how well you can engage in civil discourse.
  5. Why do I take certain situations personally? This is an excellent self-analysis question. We usually react personally when it touches on old feelings of inadequacy and vulnerability. Even if you never stop the internal reactions, being aware of why it is a trigger will help you put it in a proper perspective and move forward positively.
  6. How does my communication style affect others? This is big. In talking with others, there is what we actually said, what we intended to say, and what the listener heard. Ideally, they are all the same, but they may be three different things.  Tune into the body language of the person with whom you are speaking and ask for feedback to ensure your communication was clear.  If you are communicating by email, re-read before sending it.  You may not realize how your words will be received.  If it’s very important, ask someone you trust to read it and tell you what they got from the message.
  7. How does my mood or state of mind influence the decision-making of others? Your mood affects your body language. If you are tense, angry, or frustrated when asking for support, those negative feelings will be communicated (making the answers to Questions #1 and #2 more likely to be no).   In that case, you will probably not get what you seek. Breathe and check your mindset before initiating the conversation.
  8. Do people view me as negative and cynical or positive and passionate? This is basic to being a leader. No one wants to be around someone who exudes negative emotions and is always finding fault and complaining.  If people don’t want to be around you, how can you be a leader?
  9. What personal characteristics of others bother me the most? This is an interesting question. Sometimes it’s people who exhibit traits you are sensitive about in yourself such as being overly talkative (this is one of mine). Other times it’s those negative attitudes of the previous question. When you are a leader, you need to be able to get along with everyone at some level. They don’t need to be your best friends but look for other qualities they have and speak to those.
  10. Do I make negative assumptions or judgments of others, or do I give others the benefit of the doubt? Although similar to the previous question, there are differences. When I was an elementary librarian, I had a volunteer mother who struck me as being somewhat slow mentally. Over time I got to realize that although she wasn’t well educated, she had a keen analytic mind and could often spot things in my plans that I had overlooked. I had to get past my judgments.

At the end of each month, reflect back on your accomplishments and challenges.  What did you do well as a leader?  Where can you improve?  Practice may not make perfect, nothing does, but it does make you better.  And remember to speak as kindly to yourself while you’re learning as you would to your students