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Listening as a Leadership Skill

When you think of the skills a leader needs, you are apt to identify vision, planning, and decision-making among a host of others. You not likely to mention listening, and yet it is one of the most important skills you need to have and keep developing. In my forthcoming book, The Involved School Librarian, listening is one of the final three “attributes” I say are necessary in order to be a fully involved school librarian. The three being Listener, Learner, and Leader.

 Listeners use a variety of channels as they learn what their communities want and need as well as what is new and forthcoming. What they learn they then apply in leading their library program so it becomes an ever-increasing value to those they serve. When people notice you listen, they are more likely to come to you for support.

In their article What Principals Can Learn From Pope Leo XIV’s Leadership Approach, Michael Nelson and Pete DeWitt present a five-part model for what it takes to be a great leader. Their ideas resonate with us since this article is from the EdWeek.org site, but I have added comments to address what school librarians need.

Listen, Understand, and Act – This gets to the heart of listening as a core leadership skill. If you make assumptions about what your community needs based on what you know, you are apt to overlook what teachers and students really want. According to the authors, research shows that when people feel you are listening to them, it builds relationships. And we always need to be relationship builders. Once you understand what your community really wants and needs you can act to bring your library forward.

Listening Is Strategic, Not Passive – We generally see listening as automatic and something we don’t need to think about, but studies have shown that when we use it actively, it’s more powerful. Be present, be aware. Then, what you have learned from listening gives you the knowledge to construct a strategic plan tied to your Vision and take more directed and connected steps to living your Mission.

Equity Begins With Who We Listen To – This was a new concept for me. Do you ignore criticisms from those you see as negative or with whom you don’t agree? You may be missing some key truths because of your (unintentional) bias. Are you ignoring students who say, “Why do we have to learn this?” or “This is stupid!” Just because you don’t like their complaint doesn’t mean they have a point. Listen to their reasons for saying this and you may learn something important.

From Listening to Collective Action and Joint Work – When you build relationships and trust, people (including students) are more likely to work with you. You can collaborate on curricular units and even build new programs together. And Collaborate is one of the Shared Foundations in AASL’s National School Library Standards.

Leading With Intention – As Nelson and DeWitt say, “Listening is the work. It is what allows leaders to act with intention.” Listening gives you important information that you can use to strengthen all aspects of your library, from collection choices to software needs to an advocacy committee.

Your skills as an active listener are central to your ability to be a great leader. Active listening is a skill you need to work on every day. I know I do. When we’re bursting with excitement about our latest idea, we don’t listen to the people we are speaking with. The better you get at listening the better leader you will be. And then you’ll have people as excited about your ideas as you are.

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Quiet Doesn’t Have To Go Unnoticed

You know it’s important for others to view you as a vital part of the educational community. But what if you are an introvert? How can you get your message out when you are uncomfortable speaking up and actively sharing your accomplishments?

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how extroverts can benefit from using some of the strengths of introverts (Leadership Strengths of Introverts). These are the strengths you use naturally. For example, you are likely a deep and aware listener. You are good at tuning into what the teachers are saying or hearing the places where your principal is struggling. This awareness is a powerful skill when used purposefully. Knowing what others want and need, seeing where your skills can support them, allows you to help them get it. You don’t need to talk. Just do.

In her article, How to Get Noticed at Work as a Quiet Person, Jessica Chen, author of Smart Not Loud: How to Get Noticed At Work For All the Right Reasons, provides several suggestions you can use to support your success:

  • How you talk about your wins – Telling people how great you are or how well a program did is very uncomfortable for you. This isn’t necessarily a problem, since people often discount what they hear if they feel it is bragging. What you can do that will feel more comfortable is focus on the success of those you worked with. Talk about something the students created or about the teacher who worked with you on a learning project.
  • Spend time – Which teachers are considered stars? Which ones talk up about the great things they have done? Make it a point to spend time with them and find ways to collaborate with them. They will spread the word. They always do. And this time, you will be included in what they are saying.
  • Find your differentiating factor – Chen asks you to take the time to identify what it is you like to do and comes easily to you. Chances are, this is something that is challenging and/or less fun for others. Don’t discount it because it’s easy for you. This is your superpower. Once you know what it is, stop and think about who can benefit from it.
  • Link your talent to opportunity – Listen (already one of your skills) for more opportunities where you can offer your superpower to help someone. (Don’t worry, you don’t have to call it your superpower.) Knowing how to meet people’s needs and wants is a great way to get noticed by them. When you work in collaboration, there are more people to talk about the success – which means you can say less.
  • Expand your reach – Think bigger. Look for school and district committees where your talents and skills support their long and short-term goals. Once on the committee, do what you do so well – wait, watch, and listen. You will soon see ways you can help and once you do, your contributions will be noticed.
  • Advocating for yourself – Promotion yourself can be a huge challenge for introverts. Chen suggests using the acronym ACCT to guide you.
  • “A” is for Asking for what you want – Things won’t be given to us just because we work hard. Only you know what you need. Get clear, get specific, and ask. Your ongoing success depends on your speaking up for yourself.
  • “C” is for Circling Back – Most of the time you won’t get an immediate answer to your ask. This means you need to ask again. It shows you are serious. Go back to your clarity. They didn’t respond because of their priorities, not because the answer is no.
  • “C” is for Celebrate Your Wins – This is neither boasting nor something that has to be done “loudly”. If a teacher sends you a note about how a lesson has impacted further learning by students, after thanking her, forward it to your principal. (I also keep a Success Journal to keep me empowered.)
  • “T” is for Turning Down Requests – You have to know when (and how) to say “no.” If you take on everything you will soon be overwhelmed, and your work will suffer as will your personal mental health. You won’t have the ability to advocate for yourself. Instead of saying “no”, offer alternatives.
  • Speak up in meetings – I can almost hear the panic. This can be a real challenge for introverts, but Chen has an answer: The 4 A Sequence (and only three of them require you to say anything):
  • Active Listening – Use this skill to listen for the right moment to enter the conversation.
  • Acknowledge – Your first statement should make reference to the previous speaker. You can concur if you agree or say something neutral if you are about to disagree.
  • Anchor  – Having acknowledged the last speaker, use a few words from what the person said in introducing you comment or idea. The connection makes your response fit in the context of the meeting.
  • Answer – Now say what you have to add to the conversation. Stick to the point. Make it brief.

You have amazing skills and strengths. Being an introvert doesn’t change that, but they could be hidden. Look to see which of these steps are ones you feel you could incorporate. Soon, you will feel safe stepping out of your comfort zone, and your community will see you as the leader you are.

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Managing Emotions During Difficult Conversations

I recently gave a talk at my state’s School Librarian conference on managing difficult conversations. It doesn’t take much for a situation to get out of hand when intense emotions become involved. Our emotions are powerful forces, and if we’re not conscientious, they can work against us.

When we are having a difficult conversation, our emotions can reduce our ability to think logically, hear what the other person is saying, and manage the discussion. Since a negative outcome can hurt a relationship we worked hard to build, it’s critical that we keep our emotions out of these talks.

LaRae Quy recognizes the difficulty in managing your emotions and offers these four tips in her blog post, How to Have Hard Conversations Without Emotions Taking Over:

  1. Repeat the statement as a question – Take the statement that is creating a rise in emotion for you and reframe it as a question. You give yourself time to think as well as a chance to hear why the other person made the choice. For example, a teacher is using your desk while they are in the library. After you bring it their attention, and they say, “It’s the most convenient space available,’’ you can respond with, “Do you need a convenient space in the library?”  This does two things. You put a pause before you next speak and have turned your attention outward onto the teacher with an opportunity to hear what they need rather than venting your anger at your space being violated.
  2. Speak in soothing tones – This doesn’t mean a sweet, artificial tone, but rather speaking calmly. People can hear the tightness when anger creeps in. Consciously using a reassuring timber has the benefit of calming your emotions and that of the other party as well. Quy recommends noticing your tone of voice when you are stressed and working on calming it down. In regular conversations practice using different tones to convey your meaning. As you become more aware of how you use your tone of voice you will become better at it.
  3. Employ active listening – This works in all situations. People need to know you hear them – and see them. Be observant of body language and the many non-verbal ways the other person is communicating.  It helps you recognize what they are saying and develops your empathy. Quy explains that “Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand and share the thoughts and feelings of another person.” When we use this skill, relationships develop deeper connections, even during more difficult moments.
  4. Gather significant information – If you are initiating one of these conversations, you have time to find out more about the person and what might be happening outside of the circumstances that created the difficult situation.  You may discover there was a reason for whatever triggered their behavior. This is especially true for students, whose Emotional Intelligence is still developing. Student behavior is often triggered by issues out of your control – or your purview. If you are seeing something that concerns you, speak to teachers and seek out the guidance counselor to learn what you can.

Difficult conversations are going to happen. If we cannot avoid them, we have to know how to manage them. The more you learn about managing hard conversations, the better you become at building and maintaining relationships.  And as we know – we are in the relationship business..

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Questions Can Power Your Leadership

Good questions are more important than good answers. Sounds contradictory – we’re praised and lauded for the right answers. But answers only show you have mastered a body of knowledge; you know what is already known. Far more important is the ability to generate new questions which show the depth of your interest and involvement. It is the questions that lead to new knowledge.

Because of this, questions can strengthen your leadership. In Fred Ende’s post, 4 Questions to Make Leading and Learning More Effective, it is clear where this can be a valuable tool that also improves your relationships. Here are his questions, and why they work.

  1. What’s on your mind? – This gives you or the person you’re talking to a chance to reflect, which allows us to slow down. Far too often we have so much happening, we don’t take time to focus on what our concerns and goals are. We gain a lot when we ask it of others. To be considered as valuable and indispensable to someone, we need to be able to meet their needs and wants. Knowing the curriculum and the aims of the principal, we can help teachers attain these. Ask this of a teacher, and you are likely to find new ways to collaborate and connect.
  2. Why do you think this is urgent or important? – Ende says this is a great follow-up question because, “it builds the connection between the ‘what’ and ‘why.’ This also helps you understand where they are. You can then move forward on helping them address the need. It is the question beyond the Eisenhower Matrix which asks you to identify what things are urgent and which are important. Based on the response you receive, you can better decide what needs to be done next and have a better understanding of what is causing your teachers pressure.
  3. What do we think would happen if …? – How you finish the question obviously depends on the first two answers. It encourages deeper thought about the issue. Ende says to note what is more important than the question is the word “we.”  After letting the other person share, you have now introduced yourself into the discussion. You are now showing your interest and support while quietly collaborating.
  4. How can I help? – With this last question, you have moved center stage. You have moved from “you” to “we” to “I.” This is where the gold is. You started by asking a simple, engaging question, and now because you have listened, you are positioned to respond to their need. One you might not have been aware of. It’s possible the person has no idea how you can help, but asking the question is an important start. You may have some suggestions you can share if they are open to it. Thus, the collaboration begins and you are becoming invaluable to the teacher.

You are not always asked for help. Many times teachers and administrators don’t know all we can do for them. These four questions open a vital dialogue and reinforce the premise that people don’t care what you know until they know you care. Where you build relationships, you create opportunities for leadership. Take the lead by asking questions and grow into the answer.

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The Art of Listening

Last year, Libraries Unlimited released my book The Art of Communication: A Librarian’s Guide for Successful Leadership, Collaboration, and Advocacy. Despite my understanding of the subject overall, my great weakness is the art of listening. As an extrovert and one who talks a lot, all too often I forget to practice active listening.  And it’s in the listening that relationships are forged.

Both introverts and extroverts need to cultivate this important skill. Our students, teachers, administrators, and parents will value us if can meet their needs and wants.  Only by listening can we identify and understand these needs and wants.

To help us increase our ability to listen, David Lembi proposes 4 bad habits to drop and 3 skills to build in Leadership-Level Listening: The Quiet Superpower. As you read them, consider which bad habits have been impeding you and which skills you need to work on.

BAD HABITS

  1. Listening with a Goal in Mind – The object is to listen to what the other person is saying not on what you want to do. If you are waiting to jump in and offer your expertise, you will likely miss important information. Lembi says to “make understanding your only conversational goal.”
  2. Multi-tasking – This one is probably the most common. If you are doing something else like deleting unneeded emails, you are not listening to the person talking to you. And they are aware of it. Even if you are not physically doing something, you may have so much on your to-do list that you let your mind wander.  The lack of focus in your eyes lets the speaker know you are not paying attention.
  3. Judging – Deciding what the other person is saying is accurate, relevant, or important means you are not listening to all they are saying nor are you able to understand that individual’s point of view. Wait. You will have time to assess their message before you need to respond.
  4. Preparing Your Response – This is a habit I can easily fall into.  During the conversation, are you searching for the best way to frame your response. If so, you are longer listening.   To build relationships, people need to know you care and want to hear what they have to say. You don’t need to have every conversation end with a collaborative unit.  Your objective is to build the relationship.

3 SKILLS TO BUILD

  1. Engagement – Do you feel the connection between the two of you when you are talking?  That’s the engagement needed which creates the trust necessary to build a relationship. Lebni suggests we do whatever it takes to stay present and go “all in” on listening.
  2. Attunement – This is the next level. When you are attuned to the other person, you see things from their point of view.  It leans on your Social and Emotional abilities. You can sense their pain, frustration, and whatever emotions are at the root of what they are saying. Lembi says it’s akin to how musicians tune into each other to “synchronize rhythms and harmonize pitch.” It also allows you to be aware of the speaker’s nonverbal messages.
  3. Respect – You need to show that you believe in the value of the other person’s opinion – regardless of whether or not you agree or what else you might know. You never want to convey that you think their opinion can’t have merit. Instead, bring a sense of curiosity as to how they arrived at their conclusion or about what they are looking to learn.  If you are going to want them to value you, you must show you value them.

As a further help, Lembi suggests these 2 types of questions to use:

  1. Clarifying Questions – These help you make sure you have the details correctly. Lembi notes these also help you remember what was said more clearly.
  2. Diagnostic Questions – How, What, and Why questions deepen the conversation. They not only show you have been listening but also indicate you consider the other person’s ideas important and valuable.

Communication does not exist without listening.  As the old riddle ask, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound.”  Make sure you hear all conversations you are engaged in. It’s vital to your relationship building skills and the continued success of your program..

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I Hear You

We know the importance of building relationships. While you can start making the necessary connections by emailing websites or apps that might interest teachers, the action that results in collaboration or cooperation doesn’t truly begin without face-to-face conversations. How we handle these in person interactions can speed or derail the process.

Just as a bad wi-fi connection can interfere with hearing what people are saying on a Zoom call, the way you respond to the teachers can prevent you from hearing them – and prevent them from reaching out to you in the future. You may think you are offering help and support, but that is not what is being communicated. What can go awry and how can you prevent it?

In my book The Art of Communication, I discuss the importance not only of active listening, but being aware of the non-verbal signals you are sending when you speak with someone. Similarly, in his blog post, How to Make People Feel Heard, David Burkus recommends four ways to improve your connections and relationships. He starts with active listening then offers three other usable skills.

  1. Model Active Listening – We know how important this is, but in the moment some of us, me included, get so caught up in wanting to respond, we plunge ahead. So much for active listening. Nodding and gesturing helps, but make sure your gestures aren’t expressing “Hurry up and finish, I have something to say.” Remember, our body language speaks volumes. What can help is summarizing what you think you heard them say. Give them the space to point out any parts you may have misheard or misunderstood. This ensures any further response doesn’t include false assumptions.
  • Praise the Contribution –Burkus says, even if you disagree, let them know you appreciate their willingness to share the information or their opinion with you. Identify any points which you agree with. By showing you respect what they said, you open the way for them to take in your response. It also alleviates any tension that may be building up. This is especially powerful when the interaction occurs at a meeting, and we have an audience. Our interactions with the speaker, usually unconscious, show others how you treat people. You could be inadvertently preventing other relationships from building.
  • Challenge Assumptions, Not Ideas – In these contentious times, it’s so easy to speak out against the ideas being stated. Instead, Burkus recommends you focus on the assumptions that underlie them. This way, you are more likely to discover the thinking process that lead them to develop their ideas. You can ask questions about the assumptions. If you can, point out where there is additional information that conflicts with those assumptions, but keep it factual and as emotion free as possible. Identify any areas where you have common ground, such as, “we all want our students to be successful.”
  • Questions Before Advice – Just as we want our students to feel safe in the library, our relationships with teachers depend on how safe they feel with us. Asking questions to determine where they want to go shows we want to go on this journey with them. They might not be asking for advice. Once you know what they are looking for, then you can offer support. I once had a teacher who wanted her entire ninth grade class to research Galileo. Rather than say, “Are you kidding me?” I asked what she wanted by having the focus be on Galileo. Her response that she wanted them to see the scientific method in action led me to suggest the possibility of having them choose from a list of scientists to report on how scientists’ work showed the importance of the scientific method. Once she knew I was listening to and understanding her goals, she was willing to diversify the assignment and used Galileo as a model when she introduced the assignment.

These same rules apply when we’re building our relationships with students. We need to pay close attention to discover what they are saying if we want to truly respond to their request and make them feel safe and welcome. Be sure that the student who you thought asked for help in finding out about euthanasia wasn’t looking for information about youth in Asia.

Our leadership is always about relationships. We need to continually learn how to build and maintain them. It’s a skill that requires lifelong learning – with lifelong benefits.

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Be More Effective

According to Merriam Webster, effective means “producing a decided, decisive, or desired effect.” A second meaning for the word is “ready for service or action.” You obviously want to get certain tasks done during the course of the day, but are you doing this effectively? And if not… why not?

When you sit down at your desk, are you completely ready for action? Or do you start by straightening things up, putting off the moment when you begin? Even after you have begun, there are so many things that can and do pull you off track. It’s no wonder that by the time you finish for the day, it’s frequently later than you had planned, and you are often feeling battered and thoroughly exhausted.

In his blog post, These Three Questions Help Our Effectiveness, John Keyser quotes David Emerald’s 3 Vital Questions: Transforming Workplace Drama, observing how the approach is simple, helpful, and insightful. The responses to these questions require reflection which Keyser guides you through. As usual, even though this post is intended for business leaders, you are leaders, and it does apply to all of us.

Here are the questions and the process for responding to them (italics are based on Keyser’s emphasis):

  1. Where is my focus? – Take time to notice where your thoughts are going and if they are pulling you off track. Ask yourself: Am I focused on where it should be? Am I listening to what my teachers really want/need? Have I heard what the student was really looking for? Do I communicate my appreciation for what they do? Do I let teachers know I am grateful when they take a chance and work with me? When I am helping others, am I focused on doing my best so they do a great job? Do I do it all with kindness or am I abrupt and thinking about getting back to a task? In the process, am I giving feedback in positive ways that can be heard? You won’t be able to do all of these at once (or immediately) but keeping them in mind will help.
  2. How are my relationships? – Keyser says, “Relationships matter greatly” and this is no surprise to us. I have repeatedly stated we are in the relationship business. If we aren’t building relationships, we will be out of business. To do this, Keyser recommends one-on-one conversations. Every interaction, planned or spontaneous, is an opportunity for starting or building a relationship.
  3. What steps/actions am I taking? We cannot ignore the truth that everything we do has an impact. The smallest step in relationship-building leads to more steps. The clearer your focus, the better your results. To-do lists and priorities are recommended as always as a way to see your progress and know that you are moving in the right direction. Keyser recommends you have only three items on your to-list, and these should be the ones that will produce the most significant outcomes. (In other words, don’t just pick the easy ones.) Be hones with yourself – what will move you toward your most desired result.

You probably won’t go through these three every day. However, if you do this at the beginning of the work week and then review them again at the end, you’ll see the results as well as where you want to do things different. The process and practice of self-reflection and self-evaluation is good to develop and will lead to great effectiveness.

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Are You Being Defensive?

Last week I wrote about the importance of listening. Somtimes listening is most significant when what’s being said is not something you want to hear.

Whether it’s intended as criticism or feedback, how do you respond when someone says something negative about you? Most of us immediately rise to the defensive, although some go on the offensive. Neither is the best course of action. The word “immediately” is the cue. Anytime we react without thinking, we are apt to make a mistake. Responding from our emotional first reaction is in gear is likely to produce a damaging result.

Whether it’s an administrator, teacher, student, or parent who made the comment, as a leader you want to be seen as someone who respects what others say. It doesn’t mean you agree with them, but you also don’t want to attack them. A defensive response is an attack, as its purpose is to invalidate what the other party said. And a relationship damaged by defensiveness can be hard to repair.

Lolly Daskol shares How the Best Leaders Overcome Their Own Defense Mechanisms. These five ideas, coupled with my comments, can keep you from reacting in the moment,

  • Cultivate self-awareness–Use your Emotional Intelligence (EI) to prepare you for these situations. No one likes to be criticized, but it happens to us all. Daskol suggests you recognize what your triggers are and how you are likely to react. Whether the comments came in a one-on-one or where others were present, your response will affect how people see you as a leader.
  • Make room for acceptance–One of the best tools a leader can have is the ability to pause. Settle yourself mentally. Take stock of your feelings. Daskol says to accept them without judgement in order to respond in a way that will move you forward with this person and continue to build on your relationship.
  • Hold yourself accountable–You may not have liked what you heard, but was it true? It may have been presented in a way that was hard to hear but listen for the message. While the method of delivery may have caused your trigger response, there is likely a kernel of truth in what is being said. Leaders take responsibility for their actions and learn from their successes as well as their setbacks.

Thank the party for calling your attention to a potential problem. Your open way of handling the criticism may even lead to developing or deepening a relationship. After, Daskol recommends you reflect on how you handled the situation. Did you respond reasonably? Remember, you can’t control how others think or behave, but you can control yourself.

  • Break the code–Rising to your own defense is natural. It’s a survival skill that animals as well as humans have learned. However, we are not fighting for our lives here, and the ingrained behavior doesn’t serve us in this instance. It takes work to change an automatic response, but it can be done. Starting with becoming more self-aware of how you react in these situations will help in resisting that immediate response and allow you to behave in a productive way.
  • Lead from within–Every time you avoid a deep-rooted response and substitute a thoughtful one, you grow as a leader. In addition to self-awareness, EI requires self-management. Leaders need to continually build their EI. It makes others see them as trustworthy and empathetic to their needs.

None of us will never like being criticized, and a voice in our heads will always rise to our defense. The object is not to let the criticism derail you. By moderating your response, hearing what the other person is saying, and responding appropriately, you will continue to be seen as the leader you are and want to be.

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Listening is Leading

When we ask someone “Are you listening to me”, we’re typically expressing our exasperation. We don’t feel as though what we’re saying is being heard, and that’s frustrating. But what about the reverse? Are we really listening to what others are saying? And are we listening to ourselves?

Active listening, like emotional intelligence, is an important skill to master. So many messages come at us, verbal and unspoken, it can be hard to focus during a conversation. However, the skill is too valuable for our leadership and for our lives in general not to work at getting better at it.

Learning to listen opens the door to expanding relationships, which is key to our ongoing success. In Nine Practices All Leaders Share, Dr. Alan Patterson shows what can be built by improving your ability to listen. Some of his advice is more of a reminder, but reinforcing the basics helps you reach the next level in your leadership. Here are Patterson’s recommended practices, annotated:

  1. Listen with Intent—Focus on what is being said, not the answer you plan on giving. It’s about respect. If you can, use restating to keep you on track and let the other party know that you think what they said matters. It’s an early step in relationship building.
  2. Ask Probing Questions—After listening, go deeper to increase connection and understanding. “Could you explain?” and “Why?’ take you past restating and opens the discussion. A good leader needs to know the concerns and issues of those they work with, whether it’s teachers or students.
  3. Study People—Listening includes reading body language and other non-verbal cues. Be careful about the implicit biases and judgements we all make. You need to see and listen to what the person inside is telling you. It’s not easy, but it is a skill worth developing. Patterson adds that as you get to know a person, you learn what is important to them.
  4. Share observations about the broader horizon with your team, colleagues, and senior leaders—Share your Vision and how you think it can become a reality with teachers and administrators. Contact teacher friends who you think would be open to trying something new and collaborate. School vacation is also the best time of year to have a meeting with your principal and outline your path for going forward. Listen for their responses so that you can see how your work will support them as well.
  5. Look for opportunities to engage in a dialogue—Have conversations that are not only about work problems or situations. Patterson recommends asking “how” and “why” questions to better understand what people need and want. Relationships, connection, and advocacy grow when your colleagues see you are aware of and responsive to their needs. Knowing who your colleagues really are–including as people outside of school–develops the relationships critical to your success. And when they answer–listen with intent and ask probing question.
  6. Practice translating a project or concept into the language of the audience—We do this all the time when we are teaching students. Use the same thinking process when making a presentation to a group, whether it’s parents or a grade/subject meeting. This is not the time for “library language.” What do they already know? What do they need to know? Why? What do you want them to do as a result? Using language that everyone understands makes people feel included and allows them to listen to you better.
  7. Translate vision into individualized responsibilities for your team members—Whether it’s students or teachers with whom you are collaborating (or cooperating) with on a project, be sure all concerned know who is doing what. This will show that you’re listening to what they need and that you’re available if they need help. And be sure to acknowledge their work to the principal.
  8. Trust that your success is based on your ability to create the conditions for other to succeed—You need feedback. That is an important part of listening. Ask in such a way as to get an accurate response. “What did you think of the project?” is not likely to get any helpful feedback. “What could I have done better?” or “Was anything missing?” will get the discussion started in a meaningful way. And listen to the responses you are getting. Receiving feedback builds trust.
  9. Focus on impact and meaning—Reflect on your week. Where did you make a difference? Where do you want to go next? Go an extra step. Ask others where they saw themselves making a difference–and listen to their answer.

Listening is at the heart these leadership skills. It’s also at the center of building the relationships you need to be successful as a leader in a school. Take the time to listen to others and yourself and you will find yourself making a greater impact.

Posted on by hildaweisburg

Take My Advice

We all are guilty of giving unsolicited advice. Most often, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Unfortunately, instead of building relationships, giving advice when it’s not asked for tends to cause resistance. In offering help, we don’t stop to learn if the other person needs or wants assistance. In rushing in with our solution, it may seem to the other person that we are minimizing the problem. In ither case, the other person pulls away and an opportunity to truly be of help is gone.

 What makes us think we always have an answer? We certainly don’t have solutions for all our problems. Often, the best help we can give someone is just to listen. Whether they want to vent their anger or release too many thoughts swirling in their heads, offering a solution cuts off their process. By short-circuiting what they were saying, you may very well have prevented them from finding their own solution. When someone is angry, fearful about a situation, or any other highly emotional state, they are not thinking cognitively. Through the process of expelling it all, reason has a chance to return. The thoughts stop swirling, and the rational mind deals with what has upset them.

When someone comes to you with a problem, you have an important role to play—without offering help. They needed someone with whom to share all of it, and they trusted you to be that person. By using your active listening skills, you help them while deepening the relationship. Instead of speaking, use your body language to show you are focused on what they are saying. Nod your head. Let your facial expression mirror supportive feelings. If there is a pause, you can restate something they just said to show you are listening – and to find out if you missed a point.

PsychCentral cautions “It’s Time to Stop Giving Unsolicited Advice“. The simplest way to do this is to ask if advice is wanted. You can try any of these questions suggested by PsychCentral:

Are you open to suggestions? This clears the path for your response. “Suggestions” is a better word than “advice.”  The latter says you know more and can be taken as a criticism. The former is just some ideas you offer that can be taken or not.

I’ve been through something similar. Can I tell you about what worked for me? Without imposing, you are establishing a bond of a mutual experience. Recognize that means you will have to share that experience. That interchange puts the communication on an even more personal level. It evokes shared trust and leads to deepening the relationship.

Is there anything I can do to help? Be prepared for a no or a yes. It is a generous offer. If the other person takes you up on it, you are obligated to follow through. The commitment may take time and effort on your part. If no further help is required or requested, you have shown your willingness and concern.

If you find that you regularly give unsolicited advice, PsychCentral offers you some advice in the form of questions to ask yourself, including the following:

  • Why do I want to offer advice right now?
  • Is there something else that I can do that would be more helpful?
  • Is there someone more qualified who could advise this person?
  • Can I let them decide or figure this out on their own?
  • What else can I do to reduce my anxiety or discomfort?
  • Can I accept that my ideas aren’t the only good ideas?
  • How can I be supportive without giving unsolicited advice?
  • Can I focus on listening and understanding instead of fixing and instructing? Would this be supportive and respectful?

Unsolicited advice is a two-edged sword. You have only the best intentions when you are the one offering it, but that may not be how it’s received. Think about times when someone has offered you unsolicited advice By recognizing what receiving it feels like, you will be better able to restrain your impulse in the future. And if they are looking for advice, hear the other person out — completely—so you understand the situation before you give your response.

And that’s my advice to you. LOL 🙂