Posted on by hildaweisburg

How To Tap Down Triggers

EDITOR’S NOTE – This blog about a specific and contained type of triggers. More serious, lasting triggers need a different kind of attention and help. Please get the support you need and deserve.

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What is a trigger? A month ago, I wrote Look for Glimmers and Find Joy which discussed how Glimmers were the opposite of triggers. Both cause an unanticipated emotional reaction. The first is wonderfully positive. The second can cause us any number of negative effects including damaging our relationships and how people perceive us and our program.

Glimmers and triggers are opposite in one other way. You have to notice glimmers to appreciate them. Triggers slam into you without any invitation.

While triggers take you unaware, if you are going to deal with them, you need to recognize when you are having a trigger response. This isn’t easy when your emotions are taking over.

Andrea Mein DeWitt’s article, A Leader’s 3-Step Strategy to Being Less Emotional, Reactive, recommend you Name, Claim, and Reframe. This approach will give you skills to modify what could be a damaging response from you. Notice that she references “leaders.” Leaders can’t allow triggers to affect how they react in a given situation.

Here are her steps:

  1. Name – Look for the source of the trigger. (This is not like noticing glimmers, but in reverse.) She asks you to identify what is causing you to react rather than respond – an important distinction – and what specific emotion is in play. Also note what, if any, of your core values have been attacked. For example, book banning and malicious name-calling is on the rise leaving us emotionally exhausted. We are tired of explaining. When one more attack comes, particularly if it comes from what we thought was a friendly source, we can explode.
  2. Claim – Now that you know where your reaction came from, what can you do about it? De Witt wants you to identify the action(s) you can take to bring you back to your core values. Take your ego out and think what might have caused the person to say/do what then triggered your reaction. Then, look to what can you do to get the conversation back to the issue at stake. Rather than responding by saying “we are not…(insert charge)..” turn to the positive, reminding parents, teachers and administrators that,“libraries need to be a safe, welcoming space for all.” From there, you can better discuss what to do.
  3. Reframe – This helps you to move on positively from a stressful conversation. DeWitt says to ask yourself what you learned and what is now an opportunity to use your creativity. Which of the ideas you came up with will produce the best results and promote your Mission and Vision? Notice any new resources you can now use. As you reflect on what happened, you might decide to do a bulletin board or infographic identifying how libraries create a safe space. Perhaps mention the Mirrors, Windows, and Sliding Doors concept. Do something interactive such as having teachers/students anonymously post notes on the bulletin board saying how the library/librarian made them safe and welcome.

We are in the relationship business. With emotions running high and politics affecting libraries and librarians, we must do all we can to avoid being further sucked into the intensity of the triggers and stresses around us. Emotional Intelligence includes Managing Your Emotions for a reason. Leaders – and you are a leader – need to have all the tools possible to do it.

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Small Talk Brings Big Results

Your success is built on the strength of the relationships you have as much as it is on the programs you run and the collections you create. If we don’t know how to build relationships, we will soon be out of business. So how do we develop these relationships? You start with small talk.

Small talk is like the way plants reproduce by dropping their seeds everywhere. Most of them won’t take root, but some will. And that’s the idea. Not every short conversation will start a relationship, but some will.  Sometimes, you will run into that person again, and you continue with small talk until one day you discover it’s become something bigger.

Consider every interaction as an opportunity. But use it as an opportunity to connect, not to push your message about librarians. When you have a follow up conversation, then the opening might occur. If it does, have your elevator speech ready (2-3 sentences that explain your mission for the library). Even better — have many variations depending on what would be most appropriate in the moment.

The post by Lisa A. Beach, The Art of Small Talk: How to Connect with Strangers and Acquaintances, is a helpful guide to developing your skill at purposeful small talk. Remember, all interactions are significant because no matter their length they will leave the other person with a positive or negative impression of you.

Beach recommends that you don’t divulge too many personal details too soon. Instead, you need to look and listen for clues that the other party is interested. What information have they offered? Why are they participating in this conversation? Do they appear to be welcoming the interchange?  She suggests you “find the magic in the moment.” Enjoy the conversation without worrying if it will go further.

To get better at small talk, Beach offers the following techniques:

  • The art of making small talk more meaningful – Get the other person to talk by asking open ended questions. Are they reading a book? Wearing a scarf or piece of jewelry you like? Have a picture on their desk of a pet or family member? All of these can be a place to start a conversation about something clearly important to them.
  • Overcoming shyness in social situations – If you are uncomfortable about initiating a conversation, remember the outcome you want which is better relationships throughout your school with students, teachers, and administrators. Since small talk has low stakes, this can be a great place to gain confidence. This way when you need speak, there’s already a connection to lean on. The more you engage in these – even when you’re nervous – the better your results will be over time.
  • Navigate graceful exits – Knowing how to get out of a conversation is as important as knowing how to start one. Some people have a lot of time on their hands and can talk forever. Beach has a three-step method. First, thank them for an interesting conversation, then indicate what you need to do, and close by wishing them well.  For part one, identify something they shared that you appreciated.  This has the added benefit of showing them you were listening. It may also give you a way to start your next conversation.

Small talk may not seem important, but these brief interactions will add up to something bigger – a relationship. As librarians, we want to be someone students, teachers, and administrators come to for our expertise. Becoming that kind of trusted resource takes time. When you start with small talk you create the opportunity for more significant conversations that lead to collaborations and new successes.

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Vary Your Leadership Style

Just as people have a style of speaking and dressing, so too do they have a style of leadership. This might not be something you’ve thought about consciously, but you do have a way you lead When you become aware of it, you can use the one that best support your success in a given situation.

When I’ve spoken on leadership styles, I discuss that I lean into that of Native Americans who espouse Servant Leadership. As the term suggests, this style views the leader as working for the good of the people. For school librarians, focusing on helping others be successful is a natural part of what we do.

Whatever your style is, it probably comes so naturally to you, you don’t usually think of changing it, but there are times when servant leadership is not the best for managing a situation. As leaders we need to be aware of those occasions and know what style we need to draw on to be the most effective. In his blog post, “Are You Using the Most Appropriate Leadership Style? Paul Thornton says there are three basic styles: Directing Style, Discussing Style, and Delegating Style.

Thornton defines these as:

  • Directing Style – You tell people what to do.
  • Discussing Style – You collaborate with others asking for ideas and opinions.
  • Delegating Style – You give others an opportunity to demonstrate their skills and abilities.

He then speaks with leaders in different fields (fire fighter, professor, hockey coach, minister) to explain how they use these three style in action. It’s a fascinating read to see how they each use these styles to bring out the best results for a given situation. Consider their responses along with mine to see where you use them.

  • Directing Style – This is a good one for emergency situations. You also use it when you give students directions as you begin a project with them or start a class at the elementary level. It’s the style you use when you set goals. It is also useful when there is no place for discussion.
  • Discussing Style – This is how you collaborate with teachers or learn where students are in a process. You want to make sure you hear them. Know what they are trying to achieve. It’s how you are careful not to override them. Long ago when a teacher wanted her entire science class to research the same scientist, I suggested she would get bored reading all the same information. From there together we went onto a more meaningful project. When you’re working with students, you help them discover what they are seeking rather controlling what they find. It’s the style that is essential to making the library a safe, welcoming space for all. This style can also be very effective with administrators allowing you to build a relationship with your principal. Learn what their priorities and goals are, then find positive things to share that reflect how your work supports this such as a great project students did. Spotlight both the teacher and the students for the project.
  • Delegating Style – Beth McGinnis-Cavanaugh, a professor of engineering and physical sciences, says, “Delegating requires students to take charge of their learning and performance. This approach teaches students how to advocate for themselves, ask for help, communicate, seek needed resources and work independently.” We need to give students choice and voice so they discover their own strengths and recognize they can overcome challenges. You might also use Delegating Style when working with teachers with whom you have built a solid collaborative relationship. Having them select from different resources as to where students will be “directed” to begin or creating the Essential Question for the project is empowering.

Most of you are probably using all three styles without thinking about it. However, as leaders we are most effective when we do things consciously. Consider the situation and choose the leadership style you need.

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Managing Emotions During Difficult Conversations

I recently gave a talk at my state’s School Librarian conference on managing difficult conversations. It doesn’t take much for a situation to get out of hand when intense emotions become involved. Our emotions are powerful forces, and if we’re not conscientious, they can work against us.

When we are having a difficult conversation, our emotions can reduce our ability to think logically, hear what the other person is saying, and manage the discussion. Since a negative outcome can hurt a relationship we worked hard to build, it’s critical that we keep our emotions out of these talks.

LaRae Quy recognizes the difficulty in managing your emotions and offers these four tips in her blog post, How to Have Hard Conversations Without Emotions Taking Over:

  1. Repeat the statement as a question – Take the statement that is creating a rise in emotion for you and reframe it as a question. You give yourself time to think as well as a chance to hear why the other person made the choice. For example, a teacher is using your desk while they are in the library. After you bring it their attention, and they say, “It’s the most convenient space available,’’ you can respond with, “Do you need a convenient space in the library?”  This does two things. You put a pause before you next speak and have turned your attention outward onto the teacher with an opportunity to hear what they need rather than venting your anger at your space being violated.
  2. Speak in soothing tones – This doesn’t mean a sweet, artificial tone, but rather speaking calmly. People can hear the tightness when anger creeps in. Consciously using a reassuring timber has the benefit of calming your emotions and that of the other party as well. Quy recommends noticing your tone of voice when you are stressed and working on calming it down. In regular conversations practice using different tones to convey your meaning. As you become more aware of how you use your tone of voice you will become better at it.
  3. Employ active listening – This works in all situations. People need to know you hear them – and see them. Be observant of body language and the many non-verbal ways the other person is communicating.  It helps you recognize what they are saying and develops your empathy. Quy explains that “Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand and share the thoughts and feelings of another person.” When we use this skill, relationships develop deeper connections, even during more difficult moments.
  4. Gather significant information – If you are initiating one of these conversations, you have time to find out more about the person and what might be happening outside of the circumstances that created the difficult situation.  You may discover there was a reason for whatever triggered their behavior. This is especially true for students, whose Emotional Intelligence is still developing. Student behavior is often triggered by issues out of your control – or your purview. If you are seeing something that concerns you, speak to teachers and seek out the guidance counselor to learn what you can.

Difficult conversations are going to happen. If we cannot avoid them, we have to know how to manage them. The more you learn about managing hard conversations, the better you become at building and maintaining relationships.  And as we know – we are in the relationship business..

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Do You Know How To Read the Room?

Reading the room is a useful skill that is related to our ability to build and maintain strong relationships. It can mean knowing your audience when you make a presentation or understanding the person you are having a conversation with. In his post, Axios Finish Line: Read the Room, Jim VanderHei presents seven hacks to help you get better at this essential reading skill.

  1. Back to School – By this, VanderHei is referring to “fine tuning your situational EQ” and being a student of observing and listening to people in whatever setting you’re in. Notice the body language and tone of voice of the person (or people) you are talking to, as well as what and how they are expressing themselves. Are they relaxed or tense? Can you sense what they are feeling? Is the emotion very strong?
  2. Case the Room – Know who is there and who is listening to you. You don’t speak to teachers and students the same way, nor do you bring them the same information. The better you know who you’re speaking to, the better you can give them what they are looking for. You may find you change what you say when you know more about your audience.
  3. Shift Your Eyes – Whether in a group or with one person, train yourself to really look at people. Be aware of them and what they are saying and not saying. Don’t focusing inward. This is not the time to wonder about your dinner plans. Use what you are learning about them to make a connection. Practice at every opportunity.
  4. Watch Faces – Thanks to Zoom, many of us have gotten better at this. Whether online or in person, watch the actions and reactions of the people in front of you. Who seems to be paying attention? Who isn’t? If you are leading the meeting, you can ask questions of individuals to bring people back. But don’t start with those not paying attention. You’re not trying to call them out; you’re trying to get them involved.
  5. Let ’em Talk – Give space for others to speak. Be mindful of whether you are dominating the conversation. As VanderHei says, “if you are doing most of the talking, you are losing.” This is true even if you are the presenter. You need to involve your audience so they know their questions will be heard and answered. (This is my biggest challenge and one I continue to work on.)
  6. Diffuse Tension – In the daily interchange, don’t let conversations get heated. You are getting into a power struggle, and even if you win—you lose because you will have had a negative effect on the relationship. An effective cool-down sentence is “I appreciate your perspective on this.” You can add that you will think about what they’ve said and hope they will do the same and come back to talking about it later.
  7. Take Notes – VanderHei suggests you do this literally by jotting down your observations both during and when the meeting is over. It helps you stay focused as well as recall what happened. He also recommends taking mental notes while the interaction is occurring. This will aid you when you record what you “read” and make you better at doing it. He concludes by saying, “Think of the room like a book. Read the words – and between the lines.”

One of the most important times to read a room is when you are giving a presentation. Whether a faculty meeting or a conference, this can be a great way to increase your leadership visibility. To be effective, you’ll not only want to know your topic and what questions it will answer, but you need to be aware of your audience. This means knowing who is there to see you, why they might have come, as well as who you know – and who you don’t.

Reading the room is a powerful skill for leaders to master. It will help you avoid tension and misunderstandings because you will have taken the time to see and understand where your audience is and what they might need from you. When you consider your audience, you’ll look for and find ways to connect with the people you are talking to. And by doing this you will help them retain the ideas, techniques, and concepts you are bringing.

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Questions Can Power Your Leadership

Good questions are more important than good answers. Sounds contradictory – we’re praised and lauded for the right answers. But answers only show you have mastered a body of knowledge; you know what is already known. Far more important is the ability to generate new questions which show the depth of your interest and involvement. It is the questions that lead to new knowledge.

Because of this, questions can strengthen your leadership. In Fred Ende’s post, 4 Questions to Make Leading and Learning More Effective, it is clear where this can be a valuable tool that also improves your relationships. Here are his questions, and why they work.

  1. What’s on your mind? – This gives you or the person you’re talking to a chance to reflect, which allows us to slow down. Far too often we have so much happening, we don’t take time to focus on what our concerns and goals are. We gain a lot when we ask it of others. To be considered as valuable and indispensable to someone, we need to be able to meet their needs and wants. Knowing the curriculum and the aims of the principal, we can help teachers attain these. Ask this of a teacher, and you are likely to find new ways to collaborate and connect.
  2. Why do you think this is urgent or important? – Ende says this is a great follow-up question because, “it builds the connection between the ‘what’ and ‘why.’ This also helps you understand where they are. You can then move forward on helping them address the need. It is the question beyond the Eisenhower Matrix which asks you to identify what things are urgent and which are important. Based on the response you receive, you can better decide what needs to be done next and have a better understanding of what is causing your teachers pressure.
  3. What do we think would happen if …? – How you finish the question obviously depends on the first two answers. It encourages deeper thought about the issue. Ende says to note what is more important than the question is the word “we.”  After letting the other person share, you have now introduced yourself into the discussion. You are now showing your interest and support while quietly collaborating.
  4. How can I help? – With this last question, you have moved center stage. You have moved from “you” to “we” to “I.” This is where the gold is. You started by asking a simple, engaging question, and now because you have listened, you are positioned to respond to their need. One you might not have been aware of. It’s possible the person has no idea how you can help, but asking the question is an important start. You may have some suggestions you can share if they are open to it. Thus, the collaboration begins and you are becoming invaluable to the teacher.

You are not always asked for help. Many times teachers and administrators don’t know all we can do for them. These four questions open a vital dialogue and reinforce the premise that people don’t care what you know until they know you care. Where you build relationships, you create opportunities for leadership. Take the lead by asking questions and grow into the answer.

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The Art of Listening

Last year, Libraries Unlimited released my book The Art of Communication: A Librarian’s Guide for Successful Leadership, Collaboration, and Advocacy. Despite my understanding of the subject overall, my great weakness is the art of listening. As an extrovert and one who talks a lot, all too often I forget to practice active listening.  And it’s in the listening that relationships are forged.

Both introverts and extroverts need to cultivate this important skill. Our students, teachers, administrators, and parents will value us if can meet their needs and wants.  Only by listening can we identify and understand these needs and wants.

To help us increase our ability to listen, David Lembi proposes 4 bad habits to drop and 3 skills to build in Leadership-Level Listening: The Quiet Superpower. As you read them, consider which bad habits have been impeding you and which skills you need to work on.

BAD HABITS

  1. Listening with a Goal in Mind – The object is to listen to what the other person is saying not on what you want to do. If you are waiting to jump in and offer your expertise, you will likely miss important information. Lembi says to “make understanding your only conversational goal.”
  2. Multi-tasking – This one is probably the most common. If you are doing something else like deleting unneeded emails, you are not listening to the person talking to you. And they are aware of it. Even if you are not physically doing something, you may have so much on your to-do list that you let your mind wander.  The lack of focus in your eyes lets the speaker know you are not paying attention.
  3. Judging – Deciding what the other person is saying is accurate, relevant, or important means you are not listening to all they are saying nor are you able to understand that individual’s point of view. Wait. You will have time to assess their message before you need to respond.
  4. Preparing Your Response – This is a habit I can easily fall into.  During the conversation, are you searching for the best way to frame your response. If so, you are longer listening.   To build relationships, people need to know you care and want to hear what they have to say. You don’t need to have every conversation end with a collaborative unit.  Your objective is to build the relationship.

3 SKILLS TO BUILD

  1. Engagement – Do you feel the connection between the two of you when you are talking?  That’s the engagement needed which creates the trust necessary to build a relationship. Lebni suggests we do whatever it takes to stay present and go “all in” on listening.
  2. Attunement – This is the next level. When you are attuned to the other person, you see things from their point of view.  It leans on your Social and Emotional abilities. You can sense their pain, frustration, and whatever emotions are at the root of what they are saying. Lembi says it’s akin to how musicians tune into each other to “synchronize rhythms and harmonize pitch.” It also allows you to be aware of the speaker’s nonverbal messages.
  3. Respect – You need to show that you believe in the value of the other person’s opinion – regardless of whether or not you agree or what else you might know. You never want to convey that you think their opinion can’t have merit. Instead, bring a sense of curiosity as to how they arrived at their conclusion or about what they are looking to learn.  If you are going to want them to value you, you must show you value them.

As a further help, Lembi suggests these 2 types of questions to use:

  1. Clarifying Questions – These help you make sure you have the details correctly. Lembi notes these also help you remember what was said more clearly.
  2. Diagnostic Questions – How, What, and Why questions deepen the conversation. They not only show you have been listening but also indicate you consider the other person’s ideas important and valuable.

Communication does not exist without listening.  As the old riddle ask, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound.”  Make sure you hear all conversations you are engaged in. It’s vital to your relationship building skills and the continued success of your program..

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Building Resilience

Life has been throwing a lot at us for the past years. We got through the pandemic only to be faced, in America, with being the target of groups determined to censor books and demonize librarians all in the name of a political agenda. And that’s on top of the usual heavy demands of our job. We need to cultivate the talent of resilience if we are to survive.

According to the American Psychological Association, “Resilience is the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands.” The definition is an excellent description of the experiences librarians have been facing. How can you “successfully adapt” to it is the challenge.

Elena Aguilar provides the answer in her blog post, The Resilient Educator/ What Does a Resilient Educator Do? While there are just three tips, there are several steps as you work through them.

  • 1.      A Resilient Educator Reflects – With so much requiring your attention, it is natural to dive in and do what you seen needs to get done. Despite the pressure to get going, you will accomplish more if you build in a pause to reflect (see also my blog on the importance of taking time to review). What are you trying to achieve? Is this really the problem or is it a symptom? Aguilar recommends checking in with your Core Values. This is more likely to build your confidence in your actions. To make reflection work even better, do it regularly. Another of Aguilar’s tips is to put space for reflection in your calendar. Make this a priority. If there are others in your school you enjoy working with, consider holding a monthly meeting with colleagues for everyone to take this time.
  • A Resilient Educator Sets Boundaries – We need to know when enough is enough. Unless you know when to say, “no”, you will inevitably say “yes” to that proverbial straw. Just adding to your workload doesn’t create resilience – it’s more likely a step toward burnout. You need to know, set, and stick to your boundaries. What things are your hard/fast “no?” How do you preserve that time for self-care and/or family time? Just because we can doesn’t mean we have to be the one to do it. Aguilar rightly says, “Boundaries preserve our energy.”
  • A Resilient Educator Is Clear on What Matters Most – This is where your regular Reflection gets put into action. Using the Eisenhour Matrix, make what is “urgent and important” a priority. Recognizing what is “important but not immediately urgent” keeps you from overlooking that need. Being clear and not compromising on your hard/fast “no’s” prevent burnout. Remember your Core Values and your Mission and Vision. Is there a way to turn a challenge into an opportunity? If used properly, challenges allow you to think in new ways about your situation, what you are doing, and how you can do it differently.

Far too many librarians and teachers are burning out and leaving the profession. What is happening in your life might lead you that way, but taking time to reflect might offer insight into a better way to manage what you need to deal with. Finding a way to develop the resilience to stay and thrive is the target that will allow you to grow and thrive in your position for the long run.

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Ending a Conversation

Our conversations are an essential component of building and maintaining relationships. Navigating them can be complicated. Last week I blogged on how to start a difficult conversation. This week, let’s discuss how to successfully end one.

We all know someone who goes on and on. Sometimes, the conversation is fun, but we don’t have unlimited time. What should you do? You have tasks to attend to. Whether it’s a student, teacher, or (yikes!) administrator you’re speaking with, cutting them off can cause hurt and damage the relationship. How can you bring the conversation to an end without impairing it? John Millen has some options in his blog post, 5 Best Ways to End a Conversation:

  1. The Time-Conscious Approach – Millen’s favorite phrase for this is, “I want to be mindful of your time” and then continue by asking them what else needs discussing at this point.” By doing this, you are making it about the other person, showing your awareness of their needs, and guiding them into identifying the key points so that you are able to end the conversation while also having the information you need.
  2. The Grateful Farewell – Look for a point in the conversation where you can say, “Thank you for what you said. You have given me something to think about.” It’s complimentary and true regardless of what you think of the other person’s ideas. At the same time, you have signaled strongly that you are exiting the conversation, while showing gratitude – something that strengthens relationships.
  3. Non-verbal Cues – We all instinctively recognize them. Millen suggests slowing your speech to indicate you are about to or want to end the conversation. This is much like our recognizing the notes that typically end a musical piece. Be cautious, however, of excess body movements which will make the speaker sense you are bored, a pointed look at your watch or phone, crossing your arms, tapping your foot. These cause discomfort and push the other person away.
  4. End on a Positive Note –A specific compliment is always well-received. Millen suggests, “I’ve really enjoyed our conversation. Your insights are really helpful.” And, if necessary, you can add, “Let’s continue this conversation at a future time.” In a few words, you have not only achieved your primary goal of ending the conversation, but you have paved the way to further build the relationship.
  5. Practice Empathy – This is a reminder to treat other people the way we want to be treated. You might be the one who is going on too long, particularly when you are passionate about the topic. Consider the difference between someone saying to you, “We need to wrap this up, I have something that’s waiting for me,” as compared with them using one of the four other possible endings. And always thank them for their time and attention.

Every interaction we have either builds or detracts from our relationship with the speaker. The fewer mistakes we make in our communication, the stronger our relationships are and the more our constituents will continue to seek us out for help and support as well as be open to when we ask for assistance.  Add the skill of graciously ending conversations to leadership tool box. It’s one more way to enhance the perception of you as a leader.

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Starting Difficult Conversations

It seems as though difficult conversations are everywhere these days. Some we get pulled into – such as issues surrounding gender, sexuality, and racism. Some we must start when these issues affect collection selection, censorship, book banning, and who decides what information students have access to. But because we are in the relationship business, and every relationship – from personal to professional – has to manage through tough conversations at some time, we must know how to handle these situations when they happen.

Sometimes our actions or words put a colleague in the position of coming to us with a sensitive topic, and sometimes we’re the ones who need to take a stand. Nate Regier, the CEO and founding owner of Next Element Consulting, a global leadership firm dedicated to bringing compassion into the workplace, discusses how to Initiate Difficult Conversations With These 4 Steps. He quotes an EDI leader for a company as saying, “We just need better ways to talk to each other right now.”  As the political climate keeps amplifying both our differences and our emotional responses, this has become more critical than ever.

Regier’ four step approach involves using “Compassionate Accountability” which he says is more than altruism or empathy. It’s rather “struggling together in a spirit of dignity.” An important factor is accountability for behavior “without repeating the cycle of violence.”

  1. Own and express your feelings without blaming – Blaming words include “disrespected,” “left out,” and “attacked.” They imply that you blame the person who did whatever triggered your feelings. It’s hard to think of what you can say in response without using those words.  First take a moment to recognize what you are feeling. Accept the emotion and say, “When I hear something like that, I feel as though I don’t matter or that I am not seen as equal to others.” As Regier says, owning your feelings without blaming them on someone else’s behavior doesn’t condone the behavior or end the conversation. Quite the opposite. It can be what starts a healthy discussion.
  2. Use discomfort as your ally – When you have expressed a biased comment to someone, and realized it after the conversation was over, there is a tendency to duck your head and try to forget it happened. But it did happen, and someone was likely hurt. Integrity means you need to own it and say something. I had a volunteer model this many years ago after using a slur against Jews. At the time, I said nothing. She left after her morning shift, but returned in the afternoon, embarrassed and apologetic. I admired her tremendously for taking the first step by acknowledging what she had said.
  3. Mind the gap; own your part – Regier says, “Conflict is any gap between what we want and what we are experiencing.” In the fraction of the moment after my volunteer said what she did, I wanted to let her know how her comment made me feel. I recognized there was no ill intent, but I was hurt. Fortunately, when she returned, we could have that discussion because she had owned her part. She faced her discomfort and our relationship was better for her actions.
  4. Awareness is necessary but not sufficient to change behavior – Awareness is an important step, but the communication that follows is even more key when it comes to doing things differently. The experience with my volunteer was been a lesson to me.  I have my own innate biases.  I work hard to identify them and shut them down before I say something, but I make mistakes. When I have done so (or know that I have done so), I immediately apologize.

Regier concludes by saying, “Compassionate Accountability is a skill that translates beyond any particular conflict or dimension of diversity. By owning and expressing our feelings without blame, minding our part in the communication gap, leveraging discomfort to move forward, and being aware enough to close the knowing/doing gap is how conflict can become transformational.”

Whether someone is coming to us or we need to initiate a difficult discussion, it is important to stay open and listen to what is being said and how someone may be hurt so that the relationship can be strengthened. It takes a great deal of time and mindful effort to eliminate our inherent, unconscious biases, but we can acknowledge and own them. Recognizing and expressing our error and vulnerability adds to our integrity as leaders – and human beings.