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Managing Emotions During Difficult Conversations

I recently gave a talk at my state’s School Librarian conference on managing difficult conversations. It doesn’t take much for a situation to get out of hand when intense emotions become involved. Our emotions are powerful forces, and if we’re not conscientious, they can work against us.

When we are having a difficult conversation, our emotions can reduce our ability to think logically, hear what the other person is saying, and manage the discussion. Since a negative outcome can hurt a relationship we worked hard to build, it’s critical that we keep our emotions out of these talks.

LaRae Quy recognizes the difficulty in managing your emotions and offers these four tips in her blog post, How to Have Hard Conversations Without Emotions Taking Over:

  1. Repeat the statement as a question – Take the statement that is creating a rise in emotion for you and reframe it as a question. You give yourself time to think as well as a chance to hear why the other person made the choice. For example, a teacher is using your desk while they are in the library. After you bring it their attention, and they say, “It’s the most convenient space available,’’ you can respond with, “Do you need a convenient space in the library?”  This does two things. You put a pause before you next speak and have turned your attention outward onto the teacher with an opportunity to hear what they need rather than venting your anger at your space being violated.
  2. Speak in soothing tones – This doesn’t mean a sweet, artificial tone, but rather speaking calmly. People can hear the tightness when anger creeps in. Consciously using a reassuring timber has the benefit of calming your emotions and that of the other party as well. Quy recommends noticing your tone of voice when you are stressed and working on calming it down. In regular conversations practice using different tones to convey your meaning. As you become more aware of how you use your tone of voice you will become better at it.
  3. Employ active listening – This works in all situations. People need to know you hear them – and see them. Be observant of body language and the many non-verbal ways the other person is communicating.  It helps you recognize what they are saying and develops your empathy. Quy explains that “Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand and share the thoughts and feelings of another person.” When we use this skill, relationships develop deeper connections, even during more difficult moments.
  4. Gather significant information – If you are initiating one of these conversations, you have time to find out more about the person and what might be happening outside of the circumstances that created the difficult situation.  You may discover there was a reason for whatever triggered their behavior. This is especially true for students, whose Emotional Intelligence is still developing. Student behavior is often triggered by issues out of your control – or your purview. If you are seeing something that concerns you, speak to teachers and seek out the guidance counselor to learn what you can.

Difficult conversations are going to happen. If we cannot avoid them, we have to know how to manage them. The more you learn about managing hard conversations, the better you become at building and maintaining relationships.  And as we know – we are in the relationship business..

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Do You Know How To Read the Room?

Reading the room is a useful skill that is related to our ability to build and maintain strong relationships. It can mean knowing your audience when you make a presentation or understanding the person you are having a conversation with. In his post, Axios Finish Line: Read the Room, Jim VanderHei presents seven hacks to help you get better at this essential reading skill.

  1. Back to School – By this, VanderHei is referring to “fine tuning your situational EQ” and being a student of observing and listening to people in whatever setting you’re in. Notice the body language and tone of voice of the person (or people) you are talking to, as well as what and how they are expressing themselves. Are they relaxed or tense? Can you sense what they are feeling? Is the emotion very strong?
  2. Case the Room – Know who is there and who is listening to you. You don’t speak to teachers and students the same way, nor do you bring them the same information. The better you know who you’re speaking to, the better you can give them what they are looking for. You may find you change what you say when you know more about your audience.
  3. Shift Your Eyes – Whether in a group or with one person, train yourself to really look at people. Be aware of them and what they are saying and not saying. Don’t focusing inward. This is not the time to wonder about your dinner plans. Use what you are learning about them to make a connection. Practice at every opportunity.
  4. Watch Faces – Thanks to Zoom, many of us have gotten better at this. Whether online or in person, watch the actions and reactions of the people in front of you. Who seems to be paying attention? Who isn’t? If you are leading the meeting, you can ask questions of individuals to bring people back. But don’t start with those not paying attention. You’re not trying to call them out; you’re trying to get them involved.
  5. Let ’em Talk – Give space for others to speak. Be mindful of whether you are dominating the conversation. As VanderHei says, “if you are doing most of the talking, you are losing.” This is true even if you are the presenter. You need to involve your audience so they know their questions will be heard and answered. (This is my biggest challenge and one I continue to work on.)
  6. Diffuse Tension – In the daily interchange, don’t let conversations get heated. You are getting into a power struggle, and even if you win—you lose because you will have had a negative effect on the relationship. An effective cool-down sentence is “I appreciate your perspective on this.” You can add that you will think about what they’ve said and hope they will do the same and come back to talking about it later.
  7. Take Notes – VanderHei suggests you do this literally by jotting down your observations both during and when the meeting is over. It helps you stay focused as well as recall what happened. He also recommends taking mental notes while the interaction is occurring. This will aid you when you record what you “read” and make you better at doing it. He concludes by saying, “Think of the room like a book. Read the words – and between the lines.”

One of the most important times to read a room is when you are giving a presentation. Whether a faculty meeting or a conference, this can be a great way to increase your leadership visibility. To be effective, you’ll not only want to know your topic and what questions it will answer, but you need to be aware of your audience. This means knowing who is there to see you, why they might have come, as well as who you know – and who you don’t.

Reading the room is a powerful skill for leaders to master. It will help you avoid tension and misunderstandings because you will have taken the time to see and understand where your audience is and what they might need from you. When you consider your audience, you’ll look for and find ways to connect with the people you are talking to. And by doing this you will help them retain the ideas, techniques, and concepts you are bringing.

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Questions Can Power Your Leadership

Good questions are more important than good answers. Sounds contradictory – we’re praised and lauded for the right answers. But answers only show you have mastered a body of knowledge; you know what is already known. Far more important is the ability to generate new questions which show the depth of your interest and involvement. It is the questions that lead to new knowledge.

Because of this, questions can strengthen your leadership. In Fred Ende’s post, 4 Questions to Make Leading and Learning More Effective, it is clear where this can be a valuable tool that also improves your relationships. Here are his questions, and why they work.

  1. What’s on your mind? – This gives you or the person you’re talking to a chance to reflect, which allows us to slow down. Far too often we have so much happening, we don’t take time to focus on what our concerns and goals are. We gain a lot when we ask it of others. To be considered as valuable and indispensable to someone, we need to be able to meet their needs and wants. Knowing the curriculum and the aims of the principal, we can help teachers attain these. Ask this of a teacher, and you are likely to find new ways to collaborate and connect.
  2. Why do you think this is urgent or important? – Ende says this is a great follow-up question because, “it builds the connection between the ‘what’ and ‘why.’ This also helps you understand where they are. You can then move forward on helping them address the need. It is the question beyond the Eisenhower Matrix which asks you to identify what things are urgent and which are important. Based on the response you receive, you can better decide what needs to be done next and have a better understanding of what is causing your teachers pressure.
  3. What do we think would happen if …? – How you finish the question obviously depends on the first two answers. It encourages deeper thought about the issue. Ende says to note what is more important than the question is the word “we.”  After letting the other person share, you have now introduced yourself into the discussion. You are now showing your interest and support while quietly collaborating.
  4. How can I help? – With this last question, you have moved center stage. You have moved from “you” to “we” to “I.” This is where the gold is. You started by asking a simple, engaging question, and now because you have listened, you are positioned to respond to their need. One you might not have been aware of. It’s possible the person has no idea how you can help, but asking the question is an important start. You may have some suggestions you can share if they are open to it. Thus, the collaboration begins and you are becoming invaluable to the teacher.

You are not always asked for help. Many times teachers and administrators don’t know all we can do for them. These four questions open a vital dialogue and reinforce the premise that people don’t care what you know until they know you care. Where you build relationships, you create opportunities for leadership. Take the lead by asking questions and grow into the answer.

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Build Your Self-Awareness

How self-aware are you?

Have you ever been out walking and caught sight of your reflection in a store window? Were you surprised to see what you looked like? As the English translation has it from Robert Burns’ To a Louse, “Oh, would some Power the gift give us/To see ourselves as others see us!” We have an image in our heads not only of how we look, but, more importantly, how others see us as a person. One of the challenges as a leader, is being okay with not blending in. A leader has presence and embraces values and vision that are part of who they are – and that makes them stand out.

Do you know how people see you? It’s important to know. LaRay Quy provides three techniques for developing self-awareness and becoming a more impactful leader in her post, How Self-Awareness Allows Leaders to Make a Greater Impact:

  1. Eliminate Inconsistency – Quy says, “how we see ourselves is often an illusion, and it can be dangerous if we misjudge how we come across to our colleagues and supervisors.“ In addition, when our actions are different from our thoughts/beliefs a cognitive dissonance is produced. This causes stress and leads to a lack of confidence. No one follows a leader who isn’t confident. To help, ask friends or colleagues you trust describe you. Does the description match your self-perception? Start noticing where/when the inconsistency shows up. Ask yourself what caused it? What would have been a better way to respond.
  2. Identify Triggers – You may have noticed in the past situations that caused you to respond inconsistently with your values or to hide your feelings. According to Quy, trying to use will-power to prevent yourself from reacting to these triggers doesn’t typically work because your emotions are involved. Again, she says to check in with those trusted friends about how your reactions impact others. If you want some external information, consider taking one of the personality tests such as Myers-Briggs to help you understand why you do it. Understanding yourself is at the heart of self-awareness and can lead to changes and new habits that better support you.
  3. Live Authentically – This is the ultimate goal – being the same person people meet, no matter where they encounter you. It does require courage at times. When you leave your comfort zone and want to succeed in a new situation, it is tempting to try to fit in. But you will be far more successful by being who you are. Yes, you make yourself vulnerable by being self-aware and authentic. But leaders are not wishy-washy. They are who they are. And that’s why people count on them.

Self-awareness is an underappreciated and powerful leadership tool. Your confidence in being the same person all the time inspires others to do the same. It empowers them to take risks and become leaders themselves. And as the saying goes, “A leader’s job is not to create followers. It is to create more leaders.” Be yourself – no one else can do it.

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Be Powerful

Too many people think of power negatively, associating it with the concept mostly allied with Power Over. Power Over, also known as Role Power, is authoritarian and tied to the position someone has. Because it is given due to a title, it is the least productive type of power. As School Librarians and leaders, we need to learn, use, and grow other types of power and most specifically Power With and Power Within. When we come from the power within us and strive to empower those around us, we can better deal with the many challenges we face today.

Some power is offered due to physical appearance. Someone who is louder or larger may seem to imbue or manifest power more easily. But that doesn’t lead to the collaborations and connections we want. Leslie Williams discusses using non-coercive forms of power and what to rely on in her blog post The Four Pillars of True Power. Consider which of the following are already part of your interactions with yourself and others and which you need to strengthen.

  1. Grounding – What is the solid ground beneath your feet? Hopefully, you can draw on three Grounding Elements: your code of values, your Mission, and your Vision. As Williams say, it keeps us “stable in the face of challenge.” With all the challenges we are facing, this Pillar is imperative as it gives you confidence in what you say and do. Grounded power isn’t out of control. It is solid.
  2. Focus – Focus grows out of grounding. It is what allows you to stay calm in the eye of the storm and is probably the hardest to achieve and maintain in the face of stress and challenges. You need Focus to make choices, accessing those elements that ground you. Williams says, “Focus concentrates your energy, enabling you to act and speak with intent and precision.” Consider starting each day reviewing the previously mentioned three grounding elements before launching into the daily routine.
  3. Strength – Strength in this connotation refers to courage and the ability to accomplish the task at hand. When not connected to Power Over, it comes out of the first two pillars. They give you the confidence to move out of you comfort zone. Strength is the grit and determination to push forward knowing the values you resolved to protect. Yes, your physical and emotional well-being may be brutally affected, but you persevere because of the power in your Grounding Elements and your desire to support and strengthen your program. The librarians who have been facing the attacks directed show their strength by their still being in the fight. I greatly admire them all.
  4. Flexibility – This can be the hardest to attain. Flexibility while still holding onto the other three principles can seem impossible, yet great leaders know how to adjust. Librarians are getting hit with more rules and regulations than ever. Look for the loopholes in laws/rules that go against your Vision. Listen to and get help from your Advisory Committee. Purchase books with your own money so that the public budget isn’t being used and privately allow kids who need them to borrow those books or read them in a quiet corner. Look for the ways to be flexible while keeping to your Mission so that you keep the existence of a school library safe.

A final important aspect of power is that of connection. Not only do we want to do what it takes to be connected to the teachers and students in our school, but no one understands our challenges better than other librarians. Look for ways to get and give support whether that’s local, state, or national organizations. Support them by being an active member. Reach out to and build your PLN. Even social media can be a powerful tool in uniting us. When we work together, our power – and our potential for impact – grows.

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Tap Into The Power of Adversity

I have come to see that everyone has something stressful and negative going on. I hear of emotional, physical, or financial crises in the lives of friends and family. Professionally, librarians face scary and intimidating situations at work. So, what can we do?

We can slog our way through it. Use various techniques to keep a positive mindset. Work on self-care. While these are good ways of coping with what we face each day, we can take a step beyond them. Years ago, I learned the term “Chopportunity.” Blending the words Challenge and Opportunity, it serves as a reminder that a challenge can provide an opportunity. Knowing the term is great but translating it into action can be a challenge in itself.

LaRae Quy explains how we can accomplish this in This Is How Adversity Can Improve the Way You Think. She notes we tend to say, “when things return to normal,” but Quy asks if you really want to return to what was. This is what a Chopportunity it is. You have a chance to have things be better than they were. To do so requires focused thinking. Quy gives these four steps for doing so.

  1. Find the Philosopher Within – To do so, Quy says you need to know what is true, and how you should live your life based on what you believe to be true. As librarians we know how to find out what is true. Your core values tell you how to live your life based on that. Socrates said, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” If you are unsure of exactly what this means for you, consider writing your eulogy. What would you want people to say about the life you led? Are you living a life that would earn those words?
  2. Look for the Opportunity in Every Crisis – It’s the Chopportunity. Quy says the Chinese character for Crisis and Change Point are the same. Every crisis marks a change. What do you do about it?  Think of what you would want to change about your job and what you can do to make that a reality. In your school, this may be the moment you decide to step up to leadership because of the ongoing challenges in other libraries. You could start some monthly workshops for teachers.  On a larger level, you might marshal your resources from your state and national associations and make your presence known in the fight to defend intellectual freedom. As Gandi said, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”
  3. Take a Lesson from the Stoics – Quy explains the Stoics would consider every possible adversity. Senecca advised Romans to “Rehearse your adversity in your mind: exile, torture, war, shipwreck.”  It seems a scary thing to do, but it gives you the opportunity to prepare for the worst, at least mentally. Consider contingency plans for the possibilities. This gives you the ability to react rationally rather than in a panic when a crisis occurs. The idea Quy says is, “when you prepare for adversity, you diminish its bite when it happens.”
  4. Hunt the Good Stuff – Whatever your favorite news source is, the oft-quoted saying “if it bleeds, it leads,” is true. I have switched to music when I’m in the car because listening to the news makes me anxious. Apparently, research has shown that it takes five positive items of information to overcome a single negative one. You may have to work to find the good stuff, but it’s worth it.

Life is not easy, but it’s what we have. What we do with it, how we choose to react when things go wrong or the unexpected happens, is up to us. Consider what how you can grow as a leader – and a person – when you learn how to use adversity as a step to the next great thing.

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Fighting Fatigue

Is there anyone out there who doesn’t feel tired – mentally and physically – most of the time? It seems we are all in a state of chronic exhaustion. It may have started with the pandemic, but since, it seems to be unending. And yet being tired is no more of a useable excuse than not having time. The subtitle of my book Leading for School Librarians is: There Is No Other Option. This means tired or busy – we must be leaders.

As pressures on school librarians increase, so does the amount of time required to do our jobs. Working while exhausted means it’s hard to give our best. Not to our students. Not to our teachers. And not to our family and ourselves.

We can’t afford to be in a state of perpetual fatigue, but how can we change that? Art Petty recognizes the challenge and presents seven ways for dealing with it in his blog post Leadership Fatigue Is a Thing –Make Time to Recharge. Here are his recommendations and my comments:

  1. Center on Your Purpose as a Leader – Think of this as your personal Mission Statement. Why are you doing what you do? Perry asks you to think of how you want to be remembered at your retirement party. Create your personal Mission Statement (different from your professional one) and print it out to remind you of the value you bring. Mine is, “I reflect the greatness I see in others and, when appropriate, help them manifest it.”
  2. Adjust Your Attitude Through Beginner’s Mind Thinking – Step back and look at what you are doing as though you were just starting on the job. Do you remember? That was a time when all was possible. One technique that can work is to walk into your library as though you had never been there before. What message is it sending? Is there anything that seems off? Does it reflect today or when your last organized it?
  3. Treat the Workplace as a Living Laboratory and Start Experimenting – Having seen the library with fresh eyes, what one small thing can you change or add? Look for ways to elevate what’s there, even if you like what you see. If you think everything is fine as is, you will never work for something better. Focusing on doing something different gives a lift to your mindset.
  4. Commit to Creating Value at Every Encounter – Ever have a quick encounter at the grocery story with someone in line that leaves you feeling a little more energized after? Maybe you gave or received a compliment. Maybe someone asked about a product you purchased. In addition, if you keep this in mind as you interact with others, you will be “seeing” them, which builds connections and makes your workload feel somehow less stressful.
  5. Get Physical to Rejuvenate the Mind and Body – This one is my favorite. If you’ve read this blog for a while you know – daily walks keep me going in so many ways. Pick your favorite way to move — dance, yoga, weight training or whatever you enjoy. If you like it, you will do it. And doing it brings all kinds of benefits.
  6. Reinvent Your Career Without Resigning – Instead of thinking a new job is the solution to the challenges you have, consider ways to improve or change what you are currently doing. Is there a new program you’ve been aching to launch? Is there a school activity you’d like to be a part of or a course you can teach? Or how about joining a state or national committee. Finding something new to look forward to has amazing regenerative properties.
  7. Do Something Completely Different – Petty took piano lessons. I know many librarians who quilt. I took a drawing course. Maybe it’s time to switch from being a reader to being a writer. Doing something solely and completely for you can be a freeing and energizing experience.

Will any of these magically give you energy? Probably not. Will you still be tired if you do all or most of these? Perhaps. But it won’t be that same draining fatigue that makes you feel you are on a planet with heavier gravity than Earth. Fatigued leaders are not serving themselves nor those that need them. Find things that give you a boost and keep you going.

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Your Presentation and Murphy’s Law

As a leader, you want to make your presence known to your stakeholders and presentation are a great opportunity for this. Speaking at a conference gives you credibility to your administrators. Giving a workshop for teachers shows them how you can support them in their jobs. Speaking to the parent association reveals to them the critical role librarians play and builds advocates.

The last thing you want or need in any of these situations is for Murphy’s Law, which states “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” to kick in. The possibility is always there. Anticipate it and be prepared. Most of the time, it won’t be necessary, but if should, you want to be ready for it.

John Millen advises you on how to do that in his blog, What to Do When Presentations Go Wrong. His seven step approach will ensure you handle it with ease.

  1. Plan for the Worst- Hope for the Best – Bring a second copy of your talk and especially a printout if you are relying on tech such as PowerPoint. When giving a presentation outside your school, see if you can send it in advance to someone who can pre-load it for you (and, hopefully, test out the system).
  2. Understand Your Audience – To whom are you speaking? Do you know any of them? What are their wants and needs? The more you know about your audience, the quicker you can make a connection with them. If you feel comfortable with them and they with you, they will be fine if the slide is not on the screen. Build in time to arrive early so you can mingle with them before you begin your presentation.
  3. Prepare and Rehearse – Spontaneity is great, but you don’t want to discover you have too much or too little for the time slot. Trust that as you go along you will go off script as you respond to the room. Knowing the approximate amount of time you have left allows you to do that and adjust. And without rehearsal, you are likely to read your slides rather than explain the point which can make your presentation stilted.
  4. Do Your Homework – If you are presenting at a conference, check out the room in advance. Where will you be standing? Will you be able to move around to make further connections with your audience. If possible, recheck the equipment to be sure all is working. The IT person at the conference or in your school can be of additional assistance.
  5. Create a Safety Net – Millen carries backup equipment such as an external hard drive with his presentation on it and additional cables and adapters.  You are not likely to need to go to this extreme unless you are speaking to a very large group, but knowing you have this can help put you at ease. Think in advance for other things that might help should something not go as planned.
  6. Let the Audience in on it – Don’t hide the fact that something has gone wrong. You have already built a connection with them. Share what is going on. You might let them know Murphy has shown up. Having them be with you as you work on correcting or dealing with the problem increases the bond and eases your tension.
  7. Be in the Moment and Keep on Going – This is an extension of the last one. Your audience wants you to succeed. They know things go wrong. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be prepared.

As you grow in your leadership journey, there will be increasing opportunities to give presentations. On the list of people’s fears, public speaking is more common than death. Preparation and planning can help with this. Don’t let fear – or Murphy’s Law – keep you from growing,

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Humility, Relationships & Leadership

Since childhood we have been schooled in not praising ourselves. By extension, we’re told that leaders shouldn’t go around boasting about their accomplishments. While there is a time for humility and for bringing others into our accomplishments, there is a difference between puffing yourself up and knowing how to receive compliments. If when we receive one, we turn it away, we not only make ourselves smaller, we minimize another’s opinion. In addition, since this tends to be a habit more practiced by women than men, it undermines their ability to be seen as leaders.

In her blog post, The Risk of Self-Effacement? “Self-Erasement” – Do’s & Don’ts, Leslie Williams explores how this type of humility diminishes you, the work you’ve done, and the person who complimented you. Williams gives six instances of when you might inadvertently send messages you hadn’t intended and how to respond instead.

  1. When Someone Compliments Your Work – This is one of the most common situations. Do you automatically say, “It was no big deal” and/or mention what you did wrong. The easiest way to respond is to say, “Thank You.” This acknowledges that you value what the other person said and what you accomplished. When it fits the situation, you can be generous in giving praise to any who were part of the success. That’s honest humility. A good leader knows how to share the spotlight and promote the work of others. Doing so not only builds relationships, it also builds advocates.
  2. When Disagreeing – Own your opinion but do so respectfully. Your goal usually is to convince them to see your point of view. Williams says they are not likely to do so if they sense your disdain, Also, don’t feint agreement, by nodding and smiling. As Williams says, if you disagree, “don’t make nice.”
  3. When Asking a Question – Williams cautions you not to say “I have a stupid question” or other ways of minimizing what you are about to ask. Say outright, “I have a question,” or state you wish to propose another perspective or issue. Own your curiosity and desire to learn more.
  4. When Negotiating Salary – After making sure you are aware of the salary scale for the position you want, know all the things you bring to the table What courses or certifications might add to what your new salary will be? What volunteer work shows your leadership, collaborative, and problem solving abilities? How confidently you present yourself affects the respect and value the administration will place on you – as well as your salary.
  5. When Managing Your Career –Too many librarians are so grateful to be tenured, they fail to read the handwriting on the wall. They are afraid to try to move to another district and only do so when their job has been eliminated. You are in a much stronger position when you still have a job than when you are seeking one. Don’t bad-mouth the district you hope to leave, but instead focus on what you feel you can achieve better in this new district – and all the qualifications you bring with you.
  6. What About You? – How self-effacing are you? Williams asks you to watch yourself over the next week. Try to catch yourself when responding or acting in a self-effacing manner. Record the action. Later, reflect on what caused the response. How did you feel in the moment? What could you have done differently? Is there a way you could have owned your success? And think about what the long term cost to you could be if you continue to respond this way?

Humility has its place. So does recognizing your accomplishments and successes. There’s no need to boast, but know how to accept praise, ask questions, and manage your career. And the more you are able to hear and accept praise, the more likely you are to take the next risk to grow as a leader.

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The Art of Listening

Last year, Libraries Unlimited released my book The Art of Communication: A Librarian’s Guide for Successful Leadership, Collaboration, and Advocacy. Despite my understanding of the subject overall, my great weakness is the art of listening. As an extrovert and one who talks a lot, all too often I forget to practice active listening.  And it’s in the listening that relationships are forged.

Both introverts and extroverts need to cultivate this important skill. Our students, teachers, administrators, and parents will value us if can meet their needs and wants.  Only by listening can we identify and understand these needs and wants.

To help us increase our ability to listen, David Lembi proposes 4 bad habits to drop and 3 skills to build in Leadership-Level Listening: The Quiet Superpower. As you read them, consider which bad habits have been impeding you and which skills you need to work on.

BAD HABITS

  1. Listening with a Goal in Mind – The object is to listen to what the other person is saying not on what you want to do. If you are waiting to jump in and offer your expertise, you will likely miss important information. Lembi says to “make understanding your only conversational goal.”
  2. Multi-tasking – This one is probably the most common. If you are doing something else like deleting unneeded emails, you are not listening to the person talking to you. And they are aware of it. Even if you are not physically doing something, you may have so much on your to-do list that you let your mind wander.  The lack of focus in your eyes lets the speaker know you are not paying attention.
  3. Judging – Deciding what the other person is saying is accurate, relevant, or important means you are not listening to all they are saying nor are you able to understand that individual’s point of view. Wait. You will have time to assess their message before you need to respond.
  4. Preparing Your Response – This is a habit I can easily fall into.  During the conversation, are you searching for the best way to frame your response. If so, you are longer listening.   To build relationships, people need to know you care and want to hear what they have to say. You don’t need to have every conversation end with a collaborative unit.  Your objective is to build the relationship.

3 SKILLS TO BUILD

  1. Engagement – Do you feel the connection between the two of you when you are talking?  That’s the engagement needed which creates the trust necessary to build a relationship. Lebni suggests we do whatever it takes to stay present and go “all in” on listening.
  2. Attunement – This is the next level. When you are attuned to the other person, you see things from their point of view.  It leans on your Social and Emotional abilities. You can sense their pain, frustration, and whatever emotions are at the root of what they are saying. Lembi says it’s akin to how musicians tune into each other to “synchronize rhythms and harmonize pitch.” It also allows you to be aware of the speaker’s nonverbal messages.
  3. Respect – You need to show that you believe in the value of the other person’s opinion – regardless of whether or not you agree or what else you might know. You never want to convey that you think their opinion can’t have merit. Instead, bring a sense of curiosity as to how they arrived at their conclusion or about what they are looking to learn.  If you are going to want them to value you, you must show you value them.

As a further help, Lembi suggests these 2 types of questions to use:

  1. Clarifying Questions – These help you make sure you have the details correctly. Lembi notes these also help you remember what was said more clearly.
  2. Diagnostic Questions – How, What, and Why questions deepen the conversation. They not only show you have been listening but also indicate you consider the other person’s ideas important and valuable.

Communication does not exist without listening.  As the old riddle ask, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound.”  Make sure you hear all conversations you are engaged in. It’s vital to your relationship building skills and the continued success of your program..