We often talk about striving for happiness, about wanting to achieve it. But if—as the title suggests—it’s not a goal, then what is it?

It’s an outcome.

It comes from within you as a result of your choices, actions, and interactions. Some people can spark it in us, but it’s our reaction to them that makes it happen. Think of a little baby or young child. Being with them makes you happy, but they are being themselves, not working to make you happy. The happiness you feel is your reaction, not what they are trying to do. And expecting something outside of ourselves to deliver happiness is not a realistic approach to life.

But it’s still something we want. After all, the fairy tales always end, “and they lived happily ever after.” So how do we get this outcome?

Interestingly, Jessica Stillman has written an article stating that not only is happiness not a goal, but Neuroscience Says to Be Happier, Stop Thinking About Happiness. Although it sounds counterintuitive, studies have shown that focusing on happiness… makes us less happy. Fortunately, Stillman explains the science and how to successfully bring happiness into your life.

According to a research team, the problem is when we make happiness a goal we expect to be happy all the time. That’s the “proof” they’ve achieved it. But that can never happen – so the goal is unobtainable. Stillman suggests this is an example of Goodhart’s law, an economic principle that states, “when a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure.”

The research showed that when people pursued happiness, what they really focused on was where it was missing. They saw every not perfect feeling as being a lack in their lives. They saw others appearing cheerful and assumed it was proof that others were happy, and they were not. This, of course, is a faulty gage, because we have no idea how happy other people are if we only know their outside appearances.

As leaders, we need to be aware that if we focus on where we are feeling unhappy, that is communicated in our words, body language and overall disposition. And it does not attract others to you. Instead of building relationships, you create distance. So how can happiness be an outcome instead of a goal?

One of the researchers offered these three suggestions:

• Accept all your emotions – This works in professional and personal situations. You shouldn’t pretend negative emotions are not there. Nor should you judge yourself (or others) from having them. Once you accept them as a reality, they cease to be a drag you down. And in acknowledging them, you can find the information that the feelings are offering you.
• Don’t view doing good as a means to an end – It will take the pleasure out of doing them, because you will be judging the action to see if it brought you happiness. Do it because it is the right thing. In my own life, in addition to a Gratitude Journal, I always add one way I gave back. I didn’t do the action to feel happiness but in acknowledging it, happiness is the outcome.
• Get social – Humans are social animals. Being with others brings a lift to our lives. Of course, do what you can to people who are constantly negative (and don’t be one of those people). As often as you can, connect with the things you love and the people you love to be with. Find joy in your interactions throughout the day.

Be honest with yourself. Are you always trying to be happy? Because if you are, that’s probably taking you away from it. Make the shift from trying to achieve happiness and instead, let it be the outcome of the choices and actions you make. Get goals that matter to you and happiness will be one of the outcomes. When you reframe, you will be a better leader… and a happier person.