Posted on by hildaweisburg

I Hear You

We know the importance of building relationships. While you can start making the necessary connections by emailing websites or apps that might interest teachers, the action that results in collaboration or cooperation doesn’t truly begin without face-to-face conversations. How we handle these in person interactions can speed or derail the process.

Just as a bad wi-fi connection can interfere with hearing what people are saying on a Zoom call, the way you respond to the teachers can prevent you from hearing them – and prevent them from reaching out to you in the future. You may think you are offering help and support, but that is not what is being communicated. What can go awry and how can you prevent it?

In my book The Art of Communication, I discuss the importance not only of active listening, but being aware of the non-verbal signals you are sending when you speak with someone. Similarly, in his blog post, How to Make People Feel Heard, David Burkus recommends four ways to improve your connections and relationships. He starts with active listening then offers three other usable skills.

  1. Model Active Listening – We know how important this is, but in the moment some of us, me included, get so caught up in wanting to respond, we plunge ahead. So much for active listening. Nodding and gesturing helps, but make sure your gestures aren’t expressing “Hurry up and finish, I have something to say.” Remember, our body language speaks volumes. What can help is summarizing what you think you heard them say. Give them the space to point out any parts you may have misheard or misunderstood. This ensures any further response doesn’t include false assumptions.
  • Praise the Contribution –Burkus says, even if you disagree, let them know you appreciate their willingness to share the information or their opinion with you. Identify any points which you agree with. By showing you respect what they said, you open the way for them to take in your response. It also alleviates any tension that may be building up. This is especially powerful when the interaction occurs at a meeting, and we have an audience. Our interactions with the speaker, usually unconscious, show others how you treat people. You could be inadvertently preventing other relationships from building.
  • Challenge Assumptions, Not Ideas – In these contentious times, it’s so easy to speak out against the ideas being stated. Instead, Burkus recommends you focus on the assumptions that underlie them. This way, you are more likely to discover the thinking process that lead them to develop their ideas. You can ask questions about the assumptions. If you can, point out where there is additional information that conflicts with those assumptions, but keep it factual and as emotion free as possible. Identify any areas where you have common ground, such as, “we all want our students to be successful.”
  • Questions Before Advice – Just as we want our students to feel safe in the library, our relationships with teachers depend on how safe they feel with us. Asking questions to determine where they want to go shows we want to go on this journey with them. They might not be asking for advice. Once you know what they are looking for, then you can offer support. I once had a teacher who wanted her entire ninth grade class to research Galileo. Rather than say, “Are you kidding me?” I asked what she wanted by having the focus be on Galileo. Her response that she wanted them to see the scientific method in action led me to suggest the possibility of having them choose from a list of scientists to report on how scientists’ work showed the importance of the scientific method. Once she knew I was listening to and understanding her goals, she was willing to diversify the assignment and used Galileo as a model when she introduced the assignment.

These same rules apply when we’re building our relationships with students. We need to pay close attention to discover what they are saying if we want to truly respond to their request and make them feel safe and welcome. Be sure that the student who you thought asked for help in finding out about euthanasia wasn’t looking for information about youth in Asia.

Our leadership is always about relationships. We need to continually learn how to build and maintain them. It’s a skill that requires lifelong learning – with lifelong benefits.

Posted on by hildaweisburg

What Is Your Body Saying

Our silent communication is often louder than our verbal one, and it’s not always saying the same thing as our words. Or what we want. The mixed messages we send can cause people to not trust you, not feel included, or not worth your time. And since our relationships are key to our success, making sure there’s cohesion in what we are communicating is important.

Body language communicates what we are thinking – even if when (especially when) we’re not aware of it. Whatever mindset we have about an interaction is on display for everyone to see in our body language. It includes voice and tone as well as the positions of our body.

For example, have you ever had a situation where a class you “know” to be difficult lives up to your expectations? There’s a chance you were partially responsible for this. How did you sound when you greeted them? How were you holding your body? All of these tell the students you were sure they were going to act up. And then they do. But, if you prepare yourself and change your mindset, you can get a different outcome. For example, you can think of the students as highly energetic rather than troublesome. Most of the time, along with a good lesson, it will work.

Your body language also comes into play when you are at a meeting. There are many reasons you might not be fully engaged, but if you learn to recognize and control your body language, you can prevent sending negative messages. Lolly Daskal in Seven Cringeworthy Body Language Mistakes Leaders Make During Meetings provides basics you need to know as a teacher and leader to become more aware of any unconscious communications you are making.

Unengaged Posture –Slouching sends a message that you are tuning out. When meeting with a group of teachers, doing this while they discuss matters related to them before or after your presentation says you aren’t interested in topics about their workday. Or to put it another way, you only want to “sell” the library.

Lack of Eye Contact – This is much like the unengaged posture. It gives the impression that you have tuned the speaker out. Eye contact is often associated with honesty. As Daskal notes, it’s not that you stare at the speaker, that wouldn’t be natural. Indeed, it could be seen as trying to intimidate or disparage the speaker, but you do want to make regular eye contact and not be looking off elsewhere.

Drumming Fingers – Although usually done unconsciously, it sends an obvious message of boredom or impatience. It’s an almost stereotypical but clear sign of being disengaged.

Looking Distracted – Daskal puts is well: If people don’t have your full attention, they won’t give you their full respect. How many faculty meetings have you attended where people are checking their phones? When you are with other people, this is when it is key to stay engaged. Take notes. Ask questions. Be involved.  

Crossing Your Arms—A classic way of shutting down by visually and physically closing yourself off. When kids do it, you know they don’t want to hear you. You are saying the same thing. Possibly accompanying it with drumming your fingers.

Fidgeting—Let jiggling, toe or pen tapping, continual shifts in position or slouching from one side to the other. You may not even be aware that you’re doing it, but if you are, it’s signaling distraction and lack of attention. Daskal suggests if it’s your response to nervousness, seek a coach to help you.

Multitasking—Many of us multitask on a regular basis, but it’s important to shut down that impulse anytime you are in a situation where relationships can be built. Not only does it send the wrong message, but studies show that it’s inefficient and it sends a message that other things are more worthy of your attention.

How many of these do you do? As you start recognizing them and preventing them from occurring, become aware of the messages others are sending. It will help you to better respond to them. Make sure your words and body match the message you want to send to build stronger relationships with students, teachers, and administrators.