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Are You Procrastinating Too Much?

Procrastinating means to put off doing something. The definition doesn’t include the words “something important,” but that’s usually when we think of it. Because often when we’re putting off something – the bills, returning a call, setting up a meeting with our principal – we’re getting lots of other things done. Just not the one that banging around in our heads, the one we can’t stop thinking about that we know needs to get done.

There is no doubt about it. That list of check marks on the unimportant tasks probably means we’re avoiding the priority or the most impactful action. Why do we do that to ourselves? And how can we stop doing it? Greg Vanourek tackles the problem in How to Stop Avoiding Things: 17 Practices:

  1. Start by noticing your avoidance practices – Awareness is always the first step in being able to deal with a problem. What are you go-to tasks that alert you to the fact that you’re avoid something bigger. (Email? Facebook?)
  2. Seek the root cause of your avoidance behavior – It may be feeling uncertain about how to handle the specific task. It could be something frightening such as dealing with a book challenge and/or preparing for a board meeting where your book selection practices are being questioned. Knowing what’s behind your choices can help you make a change.
  3. Process your emotions – Recognize the emotions. Allow yourself to feel and express them. Vanourek suggests journaling or exercising. Both of these can change your physiological state and put you in a better mindset.
  4. Divide the problem you’re avoiding into smaller, more manageable chunks – It’s the old adage about how to eat an elephant. And as you complete each chunk, you feel successful and ready to tackle the next chunk. Momentum helps you keep going.
  5. Start with an easy task or small encounter to get momentum – This works like chunking and gives you a way to get into action – sometimes the hardest part.
  6. Look for ways to boost your motivation for a better result– Keep track of what you are accomplishing. Consider a Success Journal or visible check list. Cheer your own progress.
  7. Reframe a situation to note the positives and refrain from focusing only on the negatives – This may a very challenging project, which is why you were avoiding it in the first place. Keep your focus on the positive results you’re aiming for. If it’s something you are uncertain about handling, consider this a step in your learning. For a book challenge issue, see yourself joining those who stand up for our core values and beliefs as a librarian.
  8. Quiet your negative self-talk – Not easy, but reframing will help. Vanourek suggests being compassionate with yourself, “we are all works in progress.” Know that mistakes are a part of the process, not a reason to stop.
  9. Practice your communication skills – Be ready to talk about the benefits and challenges of what you’re doing by always keeping your communication skills strong. Then you can confidently as you express yourself and when asking for help when needed.
  10. Set a deadline for taking action – “By when’s” are vital to starting and continuing. “I’ll have this step done before Wednesday/noon/break.” It also gives you goals and milestone to reach.
  11. Build action habits – The more you see yourself doing – and as being a doer – the easier it will be to continue. Momentum is your friend.
  12. Recognize that addressing something you’ve been avoiding can make you feel powerful – Instead of carrying around the heaviness of your thoughts as you think about this project and the fact that it’s still not done, taking even that first step will be empowering. You’ll inspire yourself to take the next.
  13. Work on your problem-solving skills –Vanourek suggests exploring creative ways of dealing with problems even before you get to a project that you want to avoid. Knowing you are good at problem-solving will help you spend less time procrastinating.
  14. Develop your tolerance and flexibility – Rigid ways of thinking rarely help us out of difficult situations and challenging emotions. Be open to the process and recognize some problems are beyond your ability. Look for ways to get help – such as your PLN.
  15. Work on improving your coping skills and strategies – Some suggested questions to ask yourself: “How might I address this? What would my best self do in this situation?
  16. Resist your urge to avoid when it appears – Now that you recognize your avoidance behaviors, you are better equipped to deal with them. Get into action as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the harder it is to get going.
  17. Get support – You don’t have to do everything on your own. Look to see who handles this better than you and ask for help. Mentors can be useful in this.

This is a long list – and a long post. If any of these points hit you, then make a change. And if you’re reading this instead of tackling that responsibility you’ve been avoiding? It’s time to get to work.

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Rediscover the Joy In Your Work

For the last several years, I’ve been teaching classes for school librarian students at several programs across the country. Universally, they bring the enthusiasm and joy that typically comes with a new career path, looking forward to the young learners they will work with. Yet all too often, as years pass, our enthusiasm dampens, and the joy disappears.

Like at the beginning of a relationship, there’s no way to remain bright-eyed as the years pass and we deal with the less than perfect aspects of our work. It’s stressful and draining. But the truth is – what we do matters. Perhaps even more than ever. We change lives. We help students develop their ability to go out into the world with critical thinking skills, an understanding of how learning never ends, and an awareness of the resources open to them. We need to restore our excitement in what we do and delight in seeing that change as it unfolds.

Jason McKenna recognized the importance of this in his blog post, Embracing the Teaching Marathon with Joy and Well-Being. He discusses the increasing burnout of educators, which includes librarians. and offers five strategies not only to deal with burnout but to “reinvigorate the passion and joy” at the heart of what we do.

  1. Create a not-to-do list – I discussed this strategy in my blog post To Do …And To Don’t. When we add more and more to our plate without taking anything off, we risk overwhelm and burnout. Just as new tech and other resources become available and are important to incorporate, older practices may become less so. It is helpful to take stock of your responsibilities and find new ways to manage them. What can you eliminate? Who or what can help?
  2. Embrace periods of unproductivity – It’s inefficient to go from one creative task to another without taking a break. Our brains don’t work that way, no matter how much we want to do the next thing. After finishing a complex report to your principal, don’t plunge into planning a lesson that will demonstrate a new resource that will foster critical thinking. Congratulate yourself and go through your email. It will allow a healthy shift. If being “unproductive” stresses you, think of it as “differently productive.”
  3. Redefine success metrics – Stop defining success as the number of things you have crossed off your to-do list. Qualitative results count more than quantitative ones. McKenna reminds you to consider how you felt as a project was being done or completed. Recognize and celebrate the ways you made a difference and the changes that happened along the way. Your emotional feelings that came from running a program are also a measure of how successful you were. It’s where the joy is.
  4. Prioritize dialogue over data –. An extension of the last item, notice the impact you’re making by talking to students and teachers and hearing how projects and programs impacted them. How many students became excited about what they were researching? How many teachers thanked you for the help you gave them? We touch lives. Be aware of the many ways you are doing it each day. Making connections with people, particularly one-to-one, reminds us of how we change lives in big and small ways. And it builds relationships and advocates.
  5. Protect your personal time diligently – Never having time for yourself – and the other priorities in your life- is a sure route to burnout and loss of joy. And the road back can be longer than we expect. Someone I know once said, we are human beings not human doings. Take the time for the things that bring your pleasure so you can refill your well.

Can you remember back to when you first decided to become a librarian? Do you remember your “Why?” My students have long lists for their why. Take some time to reconnect with your own passion for school libraries and school librarianship. Remember how much your work, your library, and your programs matter. Take in the ways you are succeeding – and have succeeded in the past – to bring renewed energy to your work.

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Mind Your Mindset

Our brains are wonderful—until they are not. The brain’s most important function is survival and to do that, it looks for danger. But even though there is no longer a lion at the mouth of the cave, it’s still searching for what’s wrong. The result of this is – we find problems and places to worry all the time. This onslaught of negative (and not always true) thoughts lower our mood and add to the stress we are already feeling.

It takes work to noticed when your mind is lying to you and reframe your thoughts to a more a positive mindset. You won’t be able to do this continuously, but awareness is the first step to making a change. In a very long blog post, George Vanourek explains the Power of Reframing to Change Our Outlook. Considering the length of the post, I am focusing on what I consider his key points as to what causes all those negative mindsets and how we can manage them.

First, we need to look at what comes up and how our brains react. Negative mindsets are caused by cognitive distortions resulting in “flawed or irrational thinking.” These result in:

  • Assuming the worst – For example, when your principal asks to see you and you immediately believe they are going to cut your budget and eliminate the new program you started.
  • Discounting the positive – While focusing on all the negative reasons for the call, you dismiss that your principal had complimented the new program and the way the library has been invaluable to the school community.
  • Catastrophizing – You might then find yourself jumping to the conclusion that they are going to eliminate librarians despite what has been said about you and your program.
  • Overgeneralizing – This is what always happens. You knew it was too good to last. Just when you think you have it right, it all goes to pieces and things are worse than before.
  • Emotional reasoning – This is when you shift from how you are feeling at the moment to a judgement about yourself. “It was so stupid when I neglected a key direction for students and had to backtrack to fix it. I am so stupid!”

Obviously, this negative self-talk causes you more stress, erodes your self-confidence, and affects your performance. Among the nine techniques Vanourek suggests to counter this negativity, my favorites are:

  • Context reframing – Change how you look at the issue. Instead of feeling you are stupid, consider the benefits students get from seeing you acknowledge an error and move on from there.
  • Stop taking things personally – If a student complains that the book you recommended was terrible, that may not have anything to do with your ability to choose books for your students.  They could have had a bad day and are mad at things in general, or they might not have been clear about what they liked. Maybe there was something triggering in the book that you couldn’t have known because the student doesn’t talk about. This is where context reframing comes in again. Use this as an opportunity to discuss the student’s interests and see what you can do next.
  • Multi-dimensional view – Where we focus makes all the difference in what we are able to see. Look for ways to get a wider perspective instead of the narrow one in which you are viewing the problem. Ask yourself: What has made you so upset? What perspective changes this feeling? What previous experiences are affecting your thoughts? What can you learn from this moment? And remember the bigger picture – your Why, your Mission, and Vison. See where you are furthering them, no matter the stress of the moment.

If you put your hand in front of your face that’s all you see. Move your hand further away, and you not only see your hand, but everything else as well. Your hand (the stress of the moment) becomes only part of the view.  You can’t stop things from going wrong or the stresses that life brings, but you can be aware of and control your reactions. Keep watching for your negative self-talk and then look for ways to shift your mindset. There is always a more positive way to frame the situation and when you do, new solutions are more likely to appear.

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To Do… And To Don’t

Time management is essential for all of us, professionally and personally. As leaders, it is even more important. Our plates keep getting piled higher as we take on or are given new responsibilities. Getting everything done seems impossible. Your to-do list or however you keep track of what needs to get done is getting longer.

What you need is another list.

Stay with me — this second list is “To-Don’t.” It’s time to clear things off your plate. You are undoubtedly doing more than necessary with tasks and treating all of them as having equal weight, but this is not the case. You need a system that allows you to see which things need to be done by you, and which don’t.

Instead of shelving every book as it’s returned – put them on a cart labeled “Just returned—would you like to borrow one?” Instead of creating all your bulletin boards and displays – check with the art teacher(s) to see if they would like their students to take this on as an authentic project. You would give guidelines and topics. You could do the same with different clubs.

Then there are the projects that you started only to realize it’s a much bigger commitment than you thought (genre-fying your collection, anyone?). But you made the commitment or started and now you have to continue. Or do you? Sometimes knowing when to stop is an important as knowing what to start.

David Baker offers a way to avoid these too-big commitments in his blog post, Stopping Is as Important as Starting. To begin he recommends you think of it as trial with an estimated duration. And most important, identify how it will fit into your schedule, making room as necessary by dropping something else. He recommends this two-step approach:

Think of things in season – Quoting the verses from Ecclesiastes, Baker suggests there is a season for all things. Although quitting feels like failure to us, sometimes you need to do it to be successful with your other responsibilities and projects. It’s part of your growth. It’s the learning process. Remember the choice of to-do or to-don’t do is yours. Work to be as clear in your reasons for stopping as you were (hopefully) in your reasons for starting.

Be resolute but not reckless – We are always harder on ourselves than we are with others. Baker advises you to consider what a good friend would tell you to do when you choose a project you shouldn’t have undertaken. It will force you to reflect and evaluate whether the stress of the new commitment will bring about results that are worth it. Think of it a ROI – return on investment. What are you getting out of it that makes it worth the effort. If it is worth it, figure out something you are doing that isn’t worth the time you are putting in and drop that.

You can’t add more hours to the day. When you are over-committed you and your library suffer. It affects your personal and professional relationships. Doing too much will actually move you further from your Mission and Vision. Be honest – and kind – with yourself and make choices that support you and your program. You will be a better leader for it.

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Take A Walk

Self-care has got to be one of the most frequently given pieces of advice to help us manage stress. Unfortunately, as with much good advice, we nod in agreement and then don’t do anything about it because we are too busy. The irony is almost comical. We need self-care because we are all too busy and we’re too busy to start a self-care routine.

While many forms of self-care are suggested, from yoga to bubble baths, walking shows up probably more often than any other. There is a reason for that. It results in an array of positive results even when you don’t put much time into it, and it requires next to no equipment to get going.

Need a few more reasons or benefits to add more movement to your routine? JiJi Lee presents this list of Reasons to Get Outside and Move Around During Your Workday along with some ideas to actually implement it. Their suggestions are all about going outside, but if that’s not possible, indoor locations (or a treadmill) still provide a boost. The benefits include:

  • A Good Night’s Sleep – According to Lee, getting early sunlight can lead to a good night’s sleep as the early sunlight affects your circadian rhythms. For those who need coffee in the early afternoon because their eyes are closing, try a walk instead. The residual caffeine can affect your sleep at night.
  • Boost Your Creativity – A walk outside f you just can’t turn on your creative juices and a deadline is approaching, go for a walk outside. I have found it to be almost magical. As soon as I hit the fresh air, it’s as though my thoughts unlock. You don’t have to walk far, although Lee reports that Charles Dickens supposedly walked as much as 20 miles a day. As you walk, take in the scenery. Even if you take the same route every day, you will notice something new. Your eyes focus on distance rather than the close-up work of your desk or even the library.
  • Reduce Stress – We are well aware of the negative effects stress has on our professional and personal life. We are irritable with people for big and little things, which affect our relationships. There are medical effects including weight gain, high blood pressure, and anxiety/panic attacks. Walking lowers cortisol, the stress hormone. When you get outside, you can feel it flattening out.
  • Enhanced Productivity – We tend to think of going out for a walk as taking away valuable time, but in fact it results in more work getting done and frequently a higher quality. As Lee says, “it will help you reset, improve your attention and memory, and put you in a better headspace for your work”

So how to start this practice? Lee has the following recommendations:

  • Go for a walk in the morning – Get up a little earlier and head outside. It will start your day off right.
  • Schedule your breaks – Put breaks on your daily calendar or to-do list. Set an alarm. You know your schedule. Look for small chunks of time, even 10 minutes, to walk.
  • Have lunch outside – Do it alone or with a friend. Lee suggests pairing it with a gratitude journal. You get the benefit of some positive thoughts along with the benefits of fresh air.
  • Get off at an earlier stop – This works for those who take a bus. For those of you who don’t, park your car at a distance when you shop. Walk along the strip mall. Five minutes more won’t cause a problem – but it may prevent one later.
  • Walk around your floor – Don’t use inclement weather as an excuse. If the weather is bad, walk around your building. You will notice things differently. It’s not as good as going outside, but it’s better than staying inside your library.

I cannot say enough about how walking has benefited me. I’ve come up with book concepts, blog ideas, and made neighborhood friends because of this habit. Each day as I begin my walk, I feel the difference in my breathing, my stress, and my thinking. I urge you to find something like this for you (maybe it’s yoga, playing piano, or coloring). You will feel better for it and the benefits will spread beyond you.

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Giving Compliments That Matter

In Creativity Inc., Ed Catmull, one of the cofounders of Pixar, writes about Good Notes which was how staff members were trained to give feedback in a way that could be heard and used. Compliments are much the same. Being complimented always makes us feel good. And while some linger with us for a long time, other we can’t recall. Knowing what makes the difference can contribute to the ongoing success of your library by strengthening your relationships.

It starts with being specific. “You look nice” doesn’t have the same impact as, “You’re new haircut is terrific.” If you start giving specific compliments, you will see a difference in how people respond. Commenting about the design of a teacher’s bulletin board and what stood out to you can open a channel to start a conversation about a future unit. When you complete a learning project with a teacher and say something about how well they prepared their class, they are apt to return with another project.

This goes for students as well. If you say “good job” they will appreciate the recognition. But talking about what you notice them accomplish lets them see you really understand and appreciate what was involved. The more substantive compliments you give students, the better they will respond to you. This will have an effect on their behavior in the library and make a difference in how they approach you and tasks in the future.

To take this process further, Steve Keating has these seven suggestions to practice in learning How to Give a Sincere Compliment:

  • Be Genuine – Mean it. Honesty is an important leadership quality. You should always say what you mean and mean what you say. Most people can tell if you are saying something nice only because a compliment seems called for. This is why specific is more meaningful.
  • Timing Matters – When is the person in the best position to hear it? Most often it’s in the moment. But sometimes too much is happening to say anything. Look for a time soon after and try not to wait.
  • Use Positive Language – Keating says instead of saying “You’re not as bad as others at this.” What is heard is “you’re not really good at it,” Instead, consider something like, “I appreciate all the work you’re doing to improve.” Keep the focus on what is working.
  • Body Language – Not only can people usually tell if you don’t mean what you are saying – they can see it. Your body language should align with your words. This is one of the reasons being honest is important – your body generally agrees with what you are thinking.
  • Avoid Backhanded Compliments – This is worse than not complimenting. Like not using positive language, it inevitably is demeaning. Keating’s example is “You’re surprisingly good at this.” The receiver is left wondering how bad he actually is.
  • Personalize the Compliment – For a compliment people really remember, raise the specificity of it. It tells them you see them for who they are and what they are accomplishing. The example in the post is, “I’ve noticed your attention to detail in your work. It really sets you apart.”
  • Be Mindful of Cultural Sensitivities – Keating means, depending on the culture, a compliment may not be appropriate. Understand the context and your audience. Melinda Reitz has a list of compliments from other cultures that sound like insults. And of course, beware of giving “compliments” that display inherent bias.

Compliments are a powerful communication tool. Used properly, they give us an opportunity to connect while acknowledging the growth and achievement of the people around us. World Compliment Day is coming on March 1st. If you start practicing now, you will be comfortable with this new skill by then. And who knows… maybe you’ll even receive some meaningful ones as well.

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Starting Fresh

What if today was actually your first day? No, not your first day back, your first day at your current position. Sometimes the things we “know” get in the way of seeing things as they are. So, I’m going to ask you to do a little exercise with me.

Pretend you are just starting as the librarian in your library.

No matter how many years you’ve been at your job, taking as fresh look at your library will allow you to see new ways to proceed. Tomorrow, pause before entering the library. As you go through the doors, look at it as if you were seeing it for the first time. Then ask yourself: What do you like about it? What needs changing or updating? What draws you in or makes you curious? What catches your eye first? Is that what you want others to notice? What might be missing? What are you looking for that you don’t see? Next, think about the role of your library? If you were new on the job, what would you do to make the library stand out?

In Leader First Impressions, Bill Whipple, speaking to someone in the business world who has just begun a new job, has seven suggestions we can also use in our practice:

  1. Learn about the culture – Culture controls much that occurs in a school or district. How is education in general and the library in particular viewed in your district? How is discipline handled? Have there been changes? New principals and superintendents can alter the culture. Certainly, the political situation has done so as well. What does this mean for the library? Consider whether you need to frame your requests differently. Is there something you can/need to do to put your library in a better position?
  2. Establish rapport one on one – Take stock of your relationships throughout the school. No, you wouldn’t have these if you were just starting, so think honestly about whether they are where you want them to be. If not – how can you change or strengthen this? Showing interest is always the first step. Start with your principal or supervisor. Ask about their holiday, and actively listen to their answer. Next, check in with your colleagues with whom you already have good relationships. The contact will strengthen them. Then think about if there is someone new or relatively new on the staff. Make a point of getting to know them better. Create connection. Then you are in a position for the next step.
  3. Build trust as early as possible – Trust is the foundation of relationships. Build on your interest in others by following up based on what you learned. This may mean supplying teachers with a resource that connects to something they are working on or sending them an article relating to one of their interests. You can do this with your principal as well and consider creating a plan to keep them updated on the library’s programs so they can show their superiors. Be aware of what you learn as your connections deepen. Note things that are creating stress. When you do this, you will also find they have an interest in what’s happening for you. By doing this you will have the advocates you may need in times ahead.
  4. Avoid pushing ideas from a former job – In this particular situation, this would mean not assuming that a project that worked with one teacher will do the same for another. Teacher styles are different. Start with where they are and work from there. With principals the same goes. Don’t assume that what worked with previous administrators (from this district or others) will be welcome. This connects to the last two – build on what you know about this administrator in this position, then show how your work and goals supports theirs.
  5. Observe the informal organization and cliques – Don’t miss the opportunity to see teacher interactions with each other. Yes, this means taking lunch outside of the library. Have there been new friendships? If it’s across subject or grade level, it may be an opportunity to do a multi-discipline project. The teachers would enjoy working with each other. Stay aware of and do your best to identify the underlying power structure? It’s not just someone’s title. Sometimes the principal’s secretary holds more than most people realize. Be cognizant of it and use what you discover with integrity.
  6. Practice management by wandering around extensively until you are a known quantity –Take walks around the building. What’s on the walls? How often are they changed? Who’s doing what? You will get ideas about projects to propose. And there is a chance for serendipitous meetings while you are walking. Let yourself be seen and then the school population won’t only think of you when they need the library. You’ll be an available resource.
  7. Check your body language – Always! Your body speaks as much as you do. People react mostly without being aware that they are factoring it into what you are saying. Open posture, relaxed shoulders, appropriate smiles all go a long way to creating connections. At the same time, learn to consciously read the body language of others. It will tip you off about much that is going on with that person and if their open to or concerned about what you’re saying.

Make this month a new beginning. Taking a fresh look at your library and your school will help you as you move forward throughout the year. As you focus on new ways to reach teachers and your principal, you will find new ways to step into your role as the leader you are and need to be.

Here’s to a great second semester and continuing the school year stronger than ever.

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Reflect, Renew, Plan

Happy New Year! You probably aren’t quite ready to think about heading back to school yet, but before your super-busy work schedule takes over your life, I thought I’d offer some ideas for how use the remaining time to get the year started in the best possible way.

When there is so much pulling at you and demanding your attention, it is all too easy to push forward without giving yourself time to think. That way leads only to rapid exhaustion with no sense of what you have accomplished or where you want to go. If you can’t do it before, schedule time on or after your first day back to anchor yourself, and you will be more productive and more likely to achieve the results you want by the end of the school year. Helen Tupper and Sandra Ellis offer a musically oriented 3-step approach in explaining How to Create Your Own “Year in Review.”

  1. Press Pause – Although January 1 is not the beginning of the school year for educators, the first half is broken up by many holidays. Learning tends to go into high gear after the winter break. Pause is such an important step before starting anything, and it’s a critical step now.

The authors say to use this time to answer key questions. Ones that can work for us include:

  • What was my biggest success?
    • What made it happen? What can improve it?
  • What didn’t work?
    • What did I learn from that?
  • What can I realistically achieve by the end of the school year? (Make sure it connects to your Mission and/or Vision.)

Take the time to write down your answers. This is an important step as helps you to focus.

2. Play it Back – This is where having a mentor really helps. If not a mentor, choose a librarian friend. Schedule a time when you can share your answers to further clarify your thinking. Did you minimize your successes? Miss a key success?

Add some questions. Among the authors’ suggestions are: What was most fulfilling? Most frustrating? You might also add:

  • Where was I afraid to step out of my comfort zone?
  • What was the most useful thing I learned from a print or digital source?
  • Who enjoyed working with me on a project?

3. Fast Forward –Review what you discovered in the first two steps. Use your results to create an action plan. Again, start with some questions. Two of the authors’ suggestions I like are: “What habit will I commit to? What is one mistake I won’t make again?”

I would add:

  • Who can I target for a cooperative project?
  • What do I need to do to inform stakeholders of what the library has accomplished?
  • What do I need to do to move the library’s vision closer to reality?
  • What’s my plan for it?

With the clarity this reflection gave you, you are now ready to start the last half of the school year. Be the leader your teachers and students need you to be, and I hope you have a great second semester.

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Managing Emotions During Difficult Conversations

I recently gave a talk at my state’s School Librarian conference on managing difficult conversations. It doesn’t take much for a situation to get out of hand when intense emotions become involved. Our emotions are powerful forces, and if we’re not conscientious, they can work against us.

When we are having a difficult conversation, our emotions can reduce our ability to think logically, hear what the other person is saying, and manage the discussion. Since a negative outcome can hurt a relationship we worked hard to build, it’s critical that we keep our emotions out of these talks.

LaRae Quy recognizes the difficulty in managing your emotions and offers these four tips in her blog post, How to Have Hard Conversations Without Emotions Taking Over:

  1. Repeat the statement as a question – Take the statement that is creating a rise in emotion for you and reframe it as a question. You give yourself time to think as well as a chance to hear why the other person made the choice. For example, a teacher is using your desk while they are in the library. After you bring it their attention, and they say, “It’s the most convenient space available,’’ you can respond with, “Do you need a convenient space in the library?”  This does two things. You put a pause before you next speak and have turned your attention outward onto the teacher with an opportunity to hear what they need rather than venting your anger at your space being violated.
  2. Speak in soothing tones – This doesn’t mean a sweet, artificial tone, but rather speaking calmly. People can hear the tightness when anger creeps in. Consciously using a reassuring timber has the benefit of calming your emotions and that of the other party as well. Quy recommends noticing your tone of voice when you are stressed and working on calming it down. In regular conversations practice using different tones to convey your meaning. As you become more aware of how you use your tone of voice you will become better at it.
  3. Employ active listening – This works in all situations. People need to know you hear them – and see them. Be observant of body language and the many non-verbal ways the other person is communicating.  It helps you recognize what they are saying and develops your empathy. Quy explains that “Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand and share the thoughts and feelings of another person.” When we use this skill, relationships develop deeper connections, even during more difficult moments.
  4. Gather significant information – If you are initiating one of these conversations, you have time to find out more about the person and what might be happening outside of the circumstances that created the difficult situation.  You may discover there was a reason for whatever triggered their behavior. This is especially true for students, whose Emotional Intelligence is still developing. Student behavior is often triggered by issues out of your control – or your purview. If you are seeing something that concerns you, speak to teachers and seek out the guidance counselor to learn what you can.

Difficult conversations are going to happen. If we cannot avoid them, we have to know how to manage them. The more you learn about managing hard conversations, the better you become at building and maintaining relationships.  And as we know – we are in the relationship business..

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Do You Know How To Read the Room?

Reading the room is a useful skill that is related to our ability to build and maintain strong relationships. It can mean knowing your audience when you make a presentation or understanding the person you are having a conversation with. In his post, Axios Finish Line: Read the Room, Jim VanderHei presents seven hacks to help you get better at this essential reading skill.

  1. Back to School – By this, VanderHei is referring to “fine tuning your situational EQ” and being a student of observing and listening to people in whatever setting you’re in. Notice the body language and tone of voice of the person (or people) you are talking to, as well as what and how they are expressing themselves. Are they relaxed or tense? Can you sense what they are feeling? Is the emotion very strong?
  2. Case the Room – Know who is there and who is listening to you. You don’t speak to teachers and students the same way, nor do you bring them the same information. The better you know who you’re speaking to, the better you can give them what they are looking for. You may find you change what you say when you know more about your audience.
  3. Shift Your Eyes – Whether in a group or with one person, train yourself to really look at people. Be aware of them and what they are saying and not saying. Don’t focusing inward. This is not the time to wonder about your dinner plans. Use what you are learning about them to make a connection. Practice at every opportunity.
  4. Watch Faces – Thanks to Zoom, many of us have gotten better at this. Whether online or in person, watch the actions and reactions of the people in front of you. Who seems to be paying attention? Who isn’t? If you are leading the meeting, you can ask questions of individuals to bring people back. But don’t start with those not paying attention. You’re not trying to call them out; you’re trying to get them involved.
  5. Let ’em Talk – Give space for others to speak. Be mindful of whether you are dominating the conversation. As VanderHei says, “if you are doing most of the talking, you are losing.” This is true even if you are the presenter. You need to involve your audience so they know their questions will be heard and answered. (This is my biggest challenge and one I continue to work on.)
  6. Diffuse Tension – In the daily interchange, don’t let conversations get heated. You are getting into a power struggle, and even if you win—you lose because you will have had a negative effect on the relationship. An effective cool-down sentence is “I appreciate your perspective on this.” You can add that you will think about what they’ve said and hope they will do the same and come back to talking about it later.
  7. Take Notes – VanderHei suggests you do this literally by jotting down your observations both during and when the meeting is over. It helps you stay focused as well as recall what happened. He also recommends taking mental notes while the interaction is occurring. This will aid you when you record what you “read” and make you better at doing it. He concludes by saying, “Think of the room like a book. Read the words – and between the lines.”

One of the most important times to read a room is when you are giving a presentation. Whether a faculty meeting or a conference, this can be a great way to increase your leadership visibility. To be effective, you’ll not only want to know your topic and what questions it will answer, but you need to be aware of your audience. This means knowing who is there to see you, why they might have come, as well as who you know – and who you don’t.

Reading the room is a powerful skill for leaders to master. It will help you avoid tension and misunderstandings because you will have taken the time to see and understand where your audience is and what they might need from you. When you consider your audience, you’ll look for and find ways to connect with the people you are talking to. And by doing this you will help them retain the ideas, techniques, and concepts you are bringing.